A Mother's Dictionary

1. ADULT:  A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
   
2. BATHROOM:  A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.
   
3. COMMITTEE:  A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
   
4. DATE:  Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.
   
5. EMPTY NEST:  See "WISHFUL THINKING."
   
6. FABLE:  A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.
   
7. GUM:  Adhesive for the hair.
   
8. HINDSIGHT:  What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.
   
9. INFLATION:  Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
   
10. JUNK:  Dad's stuff.
    
11. KISS:  Mom's medicine.
    
12. LEMONADE STAND:  Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of 15 cents.
    
13. MAYBE:  No.
    
14. NAIL POLISH:  part of an assortment of make-up items such as lipstick, eyeliner, blush etc. which ironically make Mom look better while making her young daughter look "like a tramp."
    
15. OVERSTUFFED RECLINER:  Mom's nickname for Dad.
    
16. PANIC:  What a mother goes through when the darn wind-up swing stops.
    
17. QUIET:  A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.
    
18. REFRIGERATOR:  Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the kitchen.
    
19. SPOILED ROTTEN:  What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with Grandma.
    
20. TOWELS:  See "FLOOR COVERINGS".
    
21. UNDERWEAR:  An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures the wearer will never have an accident.
    
22. VACATION:  Where you take the family to get away from it all, only to find it there, too.
    
23. WALLS:  Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.
    
24. XOXOXOXOXO:  Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying.
    
25. "YIPPEE!":  What mother's shout the first day of school.
    
26. ZUCCHINI:  Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.