What The Teacher Says and What She Really Means

1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates.
   (He was caught cheating on a test).
   
2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability.
   (The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes).
   
3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction.   (He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met).
   
4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don't intimidate her.
   (The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all term).
   
5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination.
   (The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away).
   
6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.
   (Your son needs to stop socializing and start working).
   
7. Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions.   (Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument).
   
8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.
   (He's a bully).
   
9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory.
   (Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond).
   
10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality.
    (She's so immature that we've run out of diapers).
    
11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open.   (He must have written the Whiner's Guide).
    
12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year's repetition of her learning environment.
    (Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade).
    
13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome!
    (A mouth that never stops yacking).

Posters You Would Like To See On Your Company's Bulliten Board

-Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

-If you can stay calm, while all around you there is chaos, then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

-Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

-Artificial intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

-A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.

-If at first you don't succeed, try management.

-Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

-TEAMWORK means never having to take all the blame yourself.

-The beatings will continue until morale improves.

-Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

-We waste time, so you don't have to.

-Hang in there, retirement is only 50 years away!

-Never criticize someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes; that way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away AND you've got their shoes!

-A snooze button is a poor excuse for no alarm clock at all.

-When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

-INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

-Succeed in spite of management.

-Aim Low, Reach your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

You Know You're Having A Bad Day When....(Part 2)

-You compliment the boss' wife  her unusual perfume and she isn't wearing any. 

-You need one bathroom scale for each foot. 

-You call your wife and tell her that you would like to eat out tonight and when you get home there is a sandwich on the front porch. 

-The restaurant check has been on the table for ten minutes and no one has touched it.

-Nothing you own is actually paid for. 

-You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel and the desk clerk, bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party for your new spouse. 

-You receive a 150-page instruction booklet on how to save money from the electric company. 

-Airline food starts to taste good. 

-Your mother approves of the person you are dating. 

-Your doctor tells you that you are allergic to chocolate chip cookies. 

-You have to borrow from your VISA to pay off your MASTERCARD. 

-You realize that you have memorized the back of your cereal box. 

-Your cat abandons the nice box you prepared for her and has her kittens in your dresser drawer. 

-Everyone loves your driver's license picture. 

-Your kids start treating you the same way you treated your parents.

-Your aunt Maddie, who has two poodles and a chihuahua, tells you that her doctor just recommended plenty of rest in a warm, dry climate and you live in Arizona. 

-The health inspector condemns your office coffee maker. 

-You look out the window of the airplane and the Goodyear Blimp is gaining on you. 

-The gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money. 

People think you are 40 and you really are. 

-You are pigging out at McDonald's by yourself and the manager orders the numbers on the sign outside changed. 

-Everyone is laughing but you.

You Know You're Having A Bad Day When .... (part 1)

-The worst player on the golf course wants to play you for money. 

-You get to work and find a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office. 

-Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles. 

-You find your sons GI Joe doll dressed in drag. 

-You turn on the evening news and they are showing emergency routes out of the city. 

-Your twin sister forgets your birthday. 

-Your 4-year-old tells you that it's almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet. 

-You realize that you just sprayed spot remover under your arms instead of deodorant. 

-You wake up to the soothing sound of running water... and remember that you just bought a waterbed. 

-Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party. 

-The bird singing outside your window is a vulture. 

-You wake up and your braces are stuck together. 

-Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/ex-husband.

What My Newest Grandaughter Would Say If She Could Talk

What my little Hattie would tell you if she could talk:

1. I have my blankie, you have your caffeine.  Enough said.
   
2. Don't be jealous, but I think I'm in love with the ceiling fan.
   
3. I know where the remote control is, but it'll cost you.
   
4. To you, it's just an empty egg carton; to me it's PlayStation 2.
   
5. Actually, I don't mind sitting in a bathtub that I've peed in.
   
6. Bang a screwdriver slowly and steadily into your gums. That's what teething feels like.
   
7. Two words I'd rather not hear from you: rectal thermometer.
   
8. There's no point in teaching me to say "mama" or "dada." My first word is going to be "hat."
   
9. I've told you five times what the cow says. If you can't remember, I'm not telling you again.
   
10. There is no question that I can cry longer than you can listen.
    
11. I'm not just wildly throwing my food. I'm exploring the laws of gravity, estimating mass, and testing wind velocity.
    
12. If you wanted a good sleeper, you should have gotten a cat.
    
13. Who's that baby in the mirror you keep asking me about?
    
14. If my bottom is so darn cute, why is someone always trying to cover it up?
    
15. Who are you two, to tell me how important it is to sleep alone?
    
16. What you secretly believe is true: I am much smarter than other babies.

AARP Forum

Questions and Answers from an AARP Forum . . .

1. Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
   A: Try a bookstore under fiction.
   
2. Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
   A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.
   
3. Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
   A: Tell him you're pregnant!
   
4. Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
   A: Take off your glasses.
   
5. Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
   A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.
   
6. Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
   A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
   
7. Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
   A: Storing memory is not a problem; retrieving it is a problem.
   
8. Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
   A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
   
9. Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
   A: On their foreheads.
   
10. Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
    A: 'Hey, I remember these!"

SMILE - You've still got your sense of humor, right?

Conflicting Proverbs

1. Actions speak louder than words-The pen is mightier than the sword.

2. Look before you leap-He who hesitates is lost.

3. Many hands make light work-Too many cooks spoil the broth.

4. A silent man is a wise one-A man without words is a man without thoughts.

5. Beware of Greeks bearing gifts-Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.

6. Clothes make the man-Don't judge a book by its cover.

7. Nothing ventured, nothing gained-Better safe than sorry.

8. The bigger, the better-The best things come in small packages.

9. Absence makes the heart grow fonder-Out of sight, out of mind.

10. What will be, will be-Life is what you make it.

11. Cross your bridges when you come to them-Forewarned is forearmed.

12. What's good for the goose is good for the gander-One man's meat is another man's poison.

13. With age comes wisdom-Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings come all wise sayings.

14. The more, the merrier-Two's company; three's a crowd.

A Few Of My Favorite Things

Maalox and nosedrops and needles for knittin',
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittin's,
Bundles of magazines tied up with string,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs, cataracts, hearing aids, glasses,
Polident, Fixodent, false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food nor no food with onions,
Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin'.
And we'll never mention our short shrunken frames
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache,
when the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
I simply remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.

I SIMPLY REMEMBER THE GREAT LIFE I'VE HAD,
AND THEN I DON'T FEEL SOOOO BAAAAD.

Georgia Peach

You know you're from Georgia if:

1. You measure distance in minutes or beers.
2. You know what a 'dawg' is.
3. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it, no matter what time of the year.
   
4. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
5. You carry jumper cables in your car for your OWN car.
6. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
7. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm" or you describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good pinto-bean weather.
   
8. You know whether another Georgian is from north, south or middle Georgia as soon as they open their mouth.
   
9. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insects or animals.
   
10. The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.
11. Every other car breaking 90 on I-385 has a Georgia license tag.

If you understand these jokes, forward them to your friends from GA and those who just wish they were!      

You Know You're From The South

A tractor is NOT an all-terrain vehicle. They do get stuck.

It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy.

People actually grow, eat, and like okra !

"Fixinto" is one word... ( I'm fixinto go to the...)

There's no such thing as "lunch." There's only dinner and then there's supper.

Sweet Tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you were 2 years old.

"Backards" and "forwards" means I know everything about you.

'Jeet?' is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"

You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is

You work until you're done, or it's too dark to see.

Dumbest People Ever

1. A medical student was working in the toxicology department at the poison control center. A woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. The medical student quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. The student told the mother that she better bring her daughter in to the emergency room right away.
2. Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the work field decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, they were quite surprised by a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator that is automatically activated when the raft is inflated. They are no longer employed there.
   
3. A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture of handcuffs.
   
4. A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

Kid's Letters To Pastors

**Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville.

**Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete. Age 9, Phoenix

**Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert, Page 11, Anderson

**Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty. Age 10, New Haven

**Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold. Yours truly, Annette. Age 9, Albany

**Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there. Stephen. Age 8, Chicago

**Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen. Age 9. Tacoma

**Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my allowance. Sincerely, Eleanor. Age 12, Sarasota

**Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow. Laurie. Age 10, New York City

**Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner. Love, Ellen, age 9. Athens

**Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh

**Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house. Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena

**Dear Pastor, Who does God pray to? Is there a God for God? Sincerely, Christopher. Age 9, Titusville

**Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class. Carla. Age 10, Salina

**Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished. Ralph, Age 11, Akron

**Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers? Sincerely, Marie. Age 9, Lewiston

Pope and the Lord's Prayer

After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor.

The Pope says, "What can I do?

"The Colonel says, "I need you to change the Lord's prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do it, I'll donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican."

The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and I can not change the words." The Colonel hangs up.

After another month of dismal sales the Colonel panics and calls again. "Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll donate $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'"

This time the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us to support many charities. But again, I must decline. It is the Lord's prayer, and I can't change the words." The Colonel hangs up again.

After two more months of terrible sales the Colonel gets desperate and calls the Pope again. "This is my final offer your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican."

The Pope replies, "Let me get back to you."

The next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican."

The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news.

The Pope replies, "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."

Only In America

• Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...
  
• Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...
  
• Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...
  
• Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...
  
• Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...
  
• Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures"...
  
• Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...
  
• Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls, and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...

Medical Mistatements

The following statements are reported to have been found on patients' charts during a recent review of medical records. These statements were written by health care professionals, including doctors and nurses, at major hospitals:

1. The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. 
   
   
2. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce. 
   
   
3. She is numb from her toes down. 
   
   
4. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room. 
   
   
5. Patient has been married twice, but denies any other serious illnesses. 
   
   
6. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed. 
   
   
7. Patient experiences difficulty swallowing tires easily.
   
   
8. History: Patient was shot in the head with .34 caliber rifle.
   Chief complaint -- headache. 
   
   
9. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old white male, mentally alert but forgetful. 
   
   
10. The patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. 
    
    
11. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

We Live In An Era Of Smart Phones and Stupid People

Actual Instructions

The following are actual instructions found on the named items:

1. ON HAIRDRYER INSTRUCTIONS;
   - Do not use while sleeping. 
   
   
2. ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
   - You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. 
   
   
3. ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP,
   - Directions: Use like regular soap. 
   
   
4. ON A FROZEN DINNER:
   - Serving suggestion: Defrost. 
   
   
5. ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP IN A BOX:
   - Fits one head. 
   
   
6. ON TIRIMISU DESERT
   - Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.) 
   
   
7. ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING
   - Product will be hot after heating. 
   
   
8. ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON
   - Do not iron clothes on body. 
   
   
9. ON CHILDRENS COUGH MEDICINE
   - Do not drive car or operate machinery. 
   
   
10. ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID)
    - Warning: may cause drowsiness. 
    
    
11. ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE
    - Warning: keep out of children. 
    
    
12. ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS
    - For indoor or outdoor use only. 
    
    
13. ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR
    - Not to be used for the other use. 
    
    
14. ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS
    - Warning: contains nuts. 
    
    
15. ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS
    - Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. 
    
    
16. ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW
    - Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

Things Printed On T-Shirts

1. I CHILDPROOFED MY HOUSE, BUT THEY STILL GET IN. 
   
   
2. (On the front) 60 IS NOT OLD.  (On the back) IF YOU'RE A TREE. 
   
   
3. I'M STILL HOT...  IT JUST COMES IN FLASHES. 
   
   
4. AT MY AGE, "GETTING LUCKY" MEANS FINDING MY CAR IN THE PARKING LOT. 
   
   
5. MY REALITY CHECK JUST BOUNCED. 
   
   
6. LIFE IS SHORT.  MAKE FUN OF IT. 
   
   
7. I'M NOT 50.  I'M $49.95 PLUS TAX. 
   
   
8. ANNAPOLIS--A DRINKING TOWN WITH A SAILOR PROBLEM. 
   
   
9. I NEED SOMEBODY BAD...  ARE YOU BAD? 
   
   
10. PHYSICALLY PFFFFFT! 
    
    
11. BUCKLE UP.  IT MAKES IT HARDER FOR THE ALIENS TO SNATCH YOU FROM YOUR CAR. 
    
    
12. I'M NOT A SNOB.  I'M JUST BETTER THAN YOU ARE. 
    
    
13. IT'S MY CAT'S WORLD.  I'M JUST HERE TO OPEN CANS. 
    
    
14. EARTH IS THE INSANE ASYLUM OF THE UNIVERSE.
    
    
15. KEEP STARING; I MAY DO A TRICK. 
    
    
16. WE GOT RID OF THE KIDS.  THE CAT WAS ALLERGIC. 
    
    
17. DANGEROUSLY UNDER-MEDICATED. 
    
    
18. MY MIND WORKS LIKE LIGHTNING.  ONE BRILLIANT FLASH, AND IT'S GONE. 
    
    
19. EVERY TIME I HEAR THE DIRTY WORD "EXERCISE," I WASH MY MOUTH OUT WITH CHOCOLATE. 
    
    
20. CATS REGARD PEOPLE AS WARM-BLOODED FURNITURE. 
    
    
21. LIVE YOUR LIFE SO THAT WHEN YOU DIE, THE PREACHER WILL NOT HAVE TO TELL LIES AT YOUR FUNERAL. 
    
    
22. IN GOD WE TRUST.  ALL OTHERS WE POLYGRAPH.

How Cold Was It?

IT WAS SO COLD THAT . . . .

1. We had to stop eating with metal cutlery. Some people got spoons and forks stuck to their tongues!
   
2. Hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!
   
3. Roosters were rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
   
4. When I dialed 911, a recorded message said to phone back in the Spring!
   
5. The optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses!
   
6. Kids were using a new excuse to stay up late: "But Mom, my pajamas haven't thawed out yet!"
   
7. When kids go outside to play, they can only go as far as the extension cord will allow.
   
8. We had to carry around hammers and chisels so we could get out of our parkas.
   
9. Levi Strauss started manufacturing electric jeans.
   
10. Pickpockets were sticking their hands in strangers pockets just to keep them warm!
    
11. The squirrels in the park were throwing themselves at an electric fence
    
12. Grandpa's teeth were chattering - in the glass!
    
13. The dogs were wearing cats instead of chasing them!
    
14. The rats were bribing the alley cats for a snuggle!
    
15. Starbucks was serving coffee on a stick!
    
16. The Statue of Liberty was seen sticking that torch under her robe.
    
17. You need the wallpaper steamer to get undressed.
    
18. Playboy magazine stopped publishing because no women would take their clothes off.
    
19. The computer store was selling giant keyboards so people could type with mittens.
    
20. "Hot pants" started selling again.... until people figured out they weren't really hot.
    
21. Anyone with a body temperature near 104°F was in danger of being hauled out of their sickbed and used as a heater.
    
22. Firefighters couldn't convince people to get out of their houses when they caught fire.
    
23. We had to chop up the piano for firewood ... but we only got two chords.
    
24. We didn't clean the house, we just defrosted it.
    
25. The lights would only go on in the house when someone opened the door.
    
26. I tried to take the garbage out, but it didn't want to go.
    
27. I chipped a tooth on my soup, today!
    
28. When the cows were milked, we got ice cream! Milking the brown cows gives us got chocolate ice cream!
    
29. We pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside it to warm up.
    
30. When I turned on the shower, I got hail.
    
31. "Blanket suffocation" is now the number one cause of fatalities.
    
32. Kids had to stay in school all week.... parents are now organizing a "teacher appreciation day."

Laws of Crowded Stores

1. A stunned, bewildered idiot will stand at the intersection of two or more major traffic aisles so as to cause the most inconvenience to passers-by who do know where they are going.
   
2. Such idiot will be carrying at least one bag capable of comfortably holding a '57 Buick, and will make sudden, random turns so as to fling the bag into the shins (or worse) of passers-by.
   
3. When such idiot is intercepted by family and/or friends and removed from the location, they will be replaced by a freshly bewildered idiot within 2.5 minutes, maximum.
   
4. No matter how many signs (or how big they are) the store puts up clearly announcing "NO RETURNS OR EXCHANGES DEC 26 or 27" there will be no less than 5 morons crowded into every cashier's line who figure this rule couldn't possibly apply to them. And they'll be pretty huffy about it, too.
   
5. Nitwits who can clearly afford baby sitters (either that, or they're shoplifting the 5 high-end DVD players under their arm) will have the curious impression that Boxing Day shopping is exactly the sort of bonding event their squalling 3-week-old offspring wants most to do in this life.
   
6. The parking lot of any store over 300 square meters will contain no less than 17 Sport Utility Vehicles with dogs pretending to be ready to drive off at a moment's notice. When the supervising human does return, odds are 50:50 that the dog will occupy said human's lap as driving commences. Especially if the dog is the size of a Saturn Launch Vehicle.
   
7. No idiot driving a SUV has any grasp of the physical size of the vehicle, with the result being that parking them involves maneuvers hitherto unaccomplished by the entire Kirov Ballet.
   
8. Imbeciles paying for purchases of Items Necessary to Life (consumer electronics, compact disks, angora sweaters..) with $50 bills will be constantly complaining about the state of abject poverty they live in.
   
9. Seven hours before closing time December 24, Wal-Mart will start setting up displays of huge saccharine Valentine's Bears, each clutching oversized satin hearts.
   
10. Any mall containing a theatre will have an aroma of popcorn frying in rancid canola emanating into the hall. The smell will be strong enough to gag a badger. And patrons will buy it at prices per ounce greater than those for top sirloin, under the impression it's somehow "healthy" for them, and that the 4 tablespoons of salt on it somehow don't count.

A Dictionary for Women (Part 2)

1. Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. -- Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician".
   
2. Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. -- Similar to a black hole in space: if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
   
3. Lipstick (lip*stik) n. -- On your lips, coloring to en- hance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!
   
4. Park (park) v./n. -- Before children, a verb meaning "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
   
5. Patience (pa*shens) n. -- The most important ingredient for dating, marriage, and children. See also "tranquil- izers".
   
6. Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. -- A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and ro- mance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
   
7. Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. -- Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

A Dictionary for Women (Part 1)

1. Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. -- A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
   
2. Airhead (er*hed) n. -- What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
   
3. Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. -- You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat, and cleaned everything up, but he "made the dinner".
   
4. Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. -- Gotta get married in a church.
   
5. Childbirth (child*brth) n. -- You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus... breathe....push...."
   
6. Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. -- An appliance designed to eat socks.
   
7. Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. -- A drink you buy at a conven- ience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&M's.
   
8. Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. -- The last two minutes of a football game.
   
9. Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. -- To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
   
10. Grocery list (grow*ser*ee list) n. -- What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Redneck Valentine's Poem

Collards is green, my dog's name is Blue; and I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flapping in the breeze.Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass, which excite me in May. You ain't got no scales, but I luv you anyway.

Yo're as satisfy'n as okry, jist a-fry'n in the pan. Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can.

You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud; I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.

On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms, well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work, they all want to know, what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape yo're there fer yore man, to patch up life's troubles and fix what you can.

Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead. You ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed.

Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt, you spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack, my life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack.

Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'. despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank, we go together like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day; They git it at Wal-Mart, it's just that way.

Some men git roses on that special day from the cooler at BI-LO's "That's impressive," I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth. "Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey, these won't do. Cause yor'e too special, you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift, without taste nor odor, more useful than diamonds-IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!

Luv, from yor Romeo

Valentine's Facts

1. If a woman wants a man to spend a lot of money on her on a date, all she needs to do is this. What? Answer: Wear Red.
   
2. 9% of honeymooning couples last year had this in common. What? Answer: They brought their kids along!
   
3. 15% of married people say this happened on their first date. What? Answer: They fell in love!
   
4. 11% of couples will do this for Valentine's Day dinner. What? Answer: Split the bill!
   
5. It's estimated that approximately 3,500 5th Graders will do this today. What? Answer: Fall in love!
   
6. 24% of people will look at buying one of these for Valentine's Day, what is it? Answer: A Singing Card.
   
7. 59% of women like this gift for Valentine's Day, but say it shows a lack of thought by their man, what is it? Answer: A Gift Card.
   
8. In general, women find them romantic while men do not. What? Answer: Love Notes!
   
9. According to a Men's Health Magazine survey, 73% of women say this is their biggest complaint about their man's cologne...what is it? Answer: He wears too much!
   We know why - 55% of men keep cologne in their CAR.

Valentine Traditions

Hundreds of years ago in England, many children dressed up as adults on Valentine's Day. They went singing from home to home. One verse they sang was:

Good morning to you, valentine;
Curl your locks as I do mine ---
Two before and three behind.
Good morning to you, valentine.

In Wales wooden love spoons were carved and given as gifts on February 14th. Hearts, keys and keyholes were favorite decorations on the spoons. The decoration meant, "You unlock my heart!"

In the Middle Ages, young men and women drew names from a bowl to see who their valentines would be. They would wear these names on their sleeves for one week. To wear your heart on your sleeve now means that it is easy for other people to know how you are feeling.

In some countries, a young woman may receive a gift of clothing from a young man. If she keeps the gift, it means she will marry him.

Some people used to believe that if a woman saw a robin flying overhead on Valentine's Day, it meant she would marry a sailor. If she saw a sparrow, she would marry a poor man and be very happy. If she saw a goldfinch, she would marry a millionaire.

A love seat is a wide chair. It was first made to seat one woman and her wide dress. Later, the love seat or courting seat had two sections, often in an S-shape. In this way, a couple could sit together -- but not too closely!

History of Saint Valentine's Day

Under the rule of Emperor Claudius II Rome was involved in many bloody and unpopular campaigns. Claudius the Cruel was having a difficult time getting soldiers to join his military leagues. He believed that the reason was that roman men did not want to leave their loves or families. As a result, Claudius cancelled all marriages and engagements in Rome. The good Saint Valentine was a priest at Rome in the days of Claudius II. He and Saint Marius aided the Christian martyrs and secretly married couples, and for this kind deed Saint Valentine was apprehended and dragged before the Prefect of Rome, who condemned him to be beaten to death with clubs and to have his head cut off. He suffered martyrdom on the 14th day of February, about the year 270.

While in prison, waiting for his sentence to be carried out, he was visited by the daughter of his prison guard. Her father allowed her to visit him and they would talk for hours. She helped him to keep his spirits up. She also agreed that he did the right thing by ignoring the Emperor and going ahead with the secret marriages. On the day he was to die, he left his friend a little note thanking her for her friendship and loyalty. He signed it, "Love from your Valentine."

It is believed that note started the custom of exchanging love messages on Valentine's Day. It was written on the day he died, February 14, 269 A.D. Now, every year on this day, people remember. But most importantly, they think about love and friendship because they know that love can't be beaten!

Valentine Humor

1. What would you get if you crossed a dog with a valentine card? A card that says, "I love you drool-ly!"
   
2. What did the painter say to her boyfriend? "I love you with all my art!"
   
3. What does a man who loves his car do on February 14? He gives it a valenshine!
   
4. "Do you love me more than you love sleep?" "I can't answer now. It's time for my nap!"
   
5. What did the man with the broken leg say to his nurse? "I've got a crutch on you!"
   
6. Did you hear about the romance in the tropical fish tank? It was a case of guppy love.
   
7. What do you call two birds in love? Tweethearts!
   
8. What do you call a very small valentine? A valentiny!
   
9. What did Frankenstein say to his girlfriend? "Be my valenstein!"
   
10. What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day? Hogs and kisses!
    
11. Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy? It was Valenswine's Day!
    
12. Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day? Sure, they're very scent-imental!
    
13. What did the paper clip say to the magnet on Valentine's Day? "I find you very attractive."
    
14. What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine's Day? A hug and a quiche!
    
15. What did one pickle say to the other? "You mean a great dill to me."
    
16. Why do valentines have hearts on them? Because kidneys would look pretty gross!
    
17. What did one light bulb say to the other? "I love you a whole watt!"
    
18. What did the caveman give his wife on Valentine's Day? Ughs and kisses!

True or False

1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
2. Alfred Hitchcock did not have a bellybutton.
3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 yrs.
4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.
5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!
6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.
7. 40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
8. Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.
9. The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
11. The average housefly lives for one month.
12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.
16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
17. The REAL reason an ostrich sticks its head in the sand is to search for water.
18. The only 2 animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the Rabbit and the Parrot.
19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie".
20. Michael Jackson owned the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.
21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used instead of real milk.
22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER traveled on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.
23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.
24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are reused in vein transplant surgery.
25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.
26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be Green.

Answers: All of the above are true.  Don't you just love number sixteen?

Elevator Rules

There are un-written rules that everyone who rides elevators follow whether they know it or not. It's not something that anyone has placed into effect by law. . . . It's just the way things are. . . .

1. When you are waiting for an elevator and there are two sets, the one that is the greatest distance from you will open first.
2. While you are riding the elevator, it is not permissible to look anyone in the eyes. The proper place to stare is at the floor or at the numbers.
3. The person at the very back of the elevator will always be the one who needs off first.
4. If you are on the top floor of a 32 story building and needed to go the 1st floor, the elevator will stop 31 times before you reach the ground.
5. If you get off on the wrong floor and realize it the instant your foot hits the ground outside the elevator, it's much too embarrassing to admit you are wrong, so you stay outside the door and act like you know what you're doing then catch the next one and hope all the people you were with have gotten off.
6. When there are six elevator doors, the one you stand in front of will be the last to open.
7. When the elevator is the most full, one of two people will be on with you: an extremely sick man who coughs constantly and then gets off on the same floor you do, or a lady with a baby that screams through the entire ride.
8. Don't pass gas in an elevator even if you are all alone because when you do, the very next stop will have ten people waiting to get on. It's always best to wait until the elevator is full then no one knows who to blame.
9. If you speak to a stranger in an elevator there will always be nervous laughter.
10. The friendliest person on the elevator that insists on talking to you will always have bad breath and body odor.
11. Elevators force us to be close to people that we would never choose to be around otherwise. If you want a cultural experience, spend a day riding elevators around town.
12. The first person to get on the elevator gets the command position next to the buttons so that they can feel important when people ask them to punch their floor for them.
13. While waiting on an elevator, there will always be one person to comment on how slow the elevator is and then push the up or down button over and over as if that will make it speed up.
14. Once inside the elevator that same person will repeatedly punch the button for their floor thinking that this also will speed up the elevator.
15. On top of the list of the most annoying elevator pet peeves is the parent who will allow their child to push the buttons and then smile at you after the kid has pushed all 26 buttons while you are on the first floor needing to get to the 25th floor. Then at every floor the kid will yell "Is this where we get off?"
16. The floor that is labeled the 1st floor is not really the 1st floor but is in reality the basement. The 1st floor is actually labeled the 2nd floor.
17. If you are not in any hurry, there will always be an empty elevator just waiting with the doors open just for you by yourself.
18. In buildings where smoking is allowed, there will always be one person who insist on taking the last drag off their cigarette putting it out then waiting to exhale until the elevator door closes with you trapped inside.
19. If a child rides the elevator, they will have a balloon that just happens to be at your face level and there is no place to turn. Popping the balloon is a strong temptation.
20. I would rather ride the elevator with people than take the stairs alone