From The Heart: April 2016

Friday, April 29, 2016

At The Source

Walking through the forest, a seasoned hiker came upon a broad, slowly moving river. He stopped to gaze over the waters, appreciating the beauty, when suddenly he heard a faint cry coming from upstream.

Looking in the direction of the noise, he saw an obviously drowning man floundering in the river and drifting slowly toward him.

The hiker was stunned momentarily, but he sprang into action when he saw the man disappear beneath the waters. Throwing off all of his cumbersome gear, he dove into the river and swam like a madman toward the spot where the man went under.

Upon reaching the spot he plunged below the surface and frantically hauled up the helpless man. He then laboriously towed the victim to shore. Heaving the lifeless body up on the riverbank, the hiker attempted to revive the man, who eventually spit up water and began to breathe.

Relieved, the hiker paused to catch his breath. But no sooner had he done so than he heard another voice out on the water. Another drowning person!

Once again he swam out and pulled the person to shore, a little more slowly this time. As the hiker-turned-lifeguard revived the second victim, he heard yet another cry for help.

All day long the hiker worked, rescuing one person after another as they came drifting down the river. There seemed to be no end of drowning victims, and the hiker didn't think he could keep it up.

Just when he was about to collapse from exhaustion, he spotted another man walking rapidly beside the river, headed upstream. "Hey mister!" he cried out. "Please help me! These poor people are drowning!"

Amazingly, the man kept walking upstream. The astonished hiker called out again. Without even acknowledging the cry, the man kept going. Indignant and angry, the hiker leapt to his feet, ran toward the uncompassionate man, stood directly in his path, and in a loud voice demanded, "Sir! How can you possibly walk past all these drowning people? Have you no conscience? Must I force you to help me save these people?"

The stranger stopped, looked at him for the first time and said with a calm, focused voice, "Sir, please get out of my way. I am headed upstream to stop the guy who is pushing all these people in."

Each of us has a role to play in rescuing those who are drowning in sin. Some of us pull people from the water and resuscitate them with counseling, food and shelter, a rehabilitation program, a support group, or financial aid. Affirm those doing these important ministries.

Others of us find our place of ministry upstream, opposing the one pushing people into the river. We do this by introducing those people to Jesus Christ. Knowing Christ sets a person free from sin and releases them from Satan's power over them.

By itself, pulling people from the water isn't enough.

We need to help people deal with the problem of sin at its source.

Our Better Angels

We all should listen to our better angels. We all should pay heed to those quiet voices we hear in our hearts, souls, and minds.

-They are a guide for good and the guidance of God.

-They help us to help others and ourselves.

-They fill us with the peace of knowing that we are living as God’s Children in this world.

How do we recognize these angels?

They are always the voices of love and they always lead us to joy. Listen closely then. Heaven may be speaking to your heart.

When Someone...

-When someone lies to you, it teaches you that things are not always what they seem. The truth is often far beneath the surface. Look beyond the masks people wear if you want to know what is in their hearts. Remove your own masks to let people know who you really are.

-When someone steals from you it teaches you that nothing is forever. Always appreciate what you have. You never know when you might lose it. Never take your friends or family for granted, because today and sometimes only this very moment is the only guarantee you may have.

-When someone inflicts injury upon you, it teaches you that the human state is a very fragile one. Protect and take care of your body as best as you can, it's the one thing that you are sure to have forever.

-When someone mocks you, it teaches you that no two people are alike. When you encounter people who are different from you, do not judge them by how they look or act, instead base it on the contents of what is in their hearts.

-When someone breaks your heart, it teaches you that loving someone does not always mean that the person will love you back. But don't turn your back on love, because when you find the right person, the joy that one person brings you will make up for all of your past hurts. Times a thousand fold.

-When someone holds a grudge against you, it teaches you that everyone makes mistakes. When you are wronged, the most virtuous thing you can do is forgive the offender without pretense. Forgiving those who have hurt us is often the most difficult and painful of life's experiences, but it is also the most courageous thing a person can do.

-When a loved one is unfaithful to you, it teaches you that resisting temptation is Man's greatest challenge. Be vigilant in your resistance against all temptations. By doing so, you will be rewarded with an enduring sense of satisfaction far greater than the temporary pleasure by which you were tempted.

-When someone cheats you, it teaches you that greed is the root of all evil. Aspire to make your dreams come true, no matter how lofty they may be. Do not feel guilty about your success, but never let an obsession with achieving your goals lead you to engage in malevolent activities.

-When someone ridicules you, it teaches you that nobody is perfect. Accept people for their merits and be tolerant of their flaws. Do not ever reject someone for imperfections over which they have no control."

-When someone loves you, it teaches you love, kindness, charity, honesty, humility, forgiveness, acceptance, and all of these can counteract all the evil in the world.

Just remember-For every good deed, there is one evil deed. Man alone has the power to control the balance between good and evil, but because the lessons of love are not taught often enough, the power is too often abused.

The Right Foundation

I am concerned about some pastor's narrow and dangerous ideas about success. Achieving more, getting more, or becoming number one. There is nothing wrong with healthy achievement, but there is a difference between doing what's right and doing what everybody else is doing just to be recognized.

A successful life is not always a high-achieving life. Sometimes it is about accomplishing a worthwhile goal, or even a private, personal victory. Sometimes it is about improving one's character. Sometimes success is best defined by living into one's own personal mission, or finding a meaningful purpose to organize one's life around. And sometimes it is about learning how to live in peace, happiness, generosity and love. Too many pastor's are worried today about what other's think about them or their lack of numerical success.

Someone put it like this: "I spent my life frantically trying to climb the ladder of ministerial success. When I got to the top I realized I was leaning against the wrong foundation." Even if others get to the top first by compromise or lack of integrity, it makes no difference. There is no merit in being first to arrive at the wrong place with God.

You can be successful in ways that matter and your ministry can be truly difference making. If you're leaning your faith against the right foundation, it doesn't even matter if you make it to the top. Any ministry spent going after things that count, will count as a ministry well spent.

Does Prayer Really Work?

I've been told all my life that prayer changes things, but does it really change anything? Friend, I believe it really does!
-Does prayer change your present situation or sudden circumstances?
No, not always, but it does change the way you look at those events.
-Does prayer change your financial future?
No, not always, but it does change who you look to for meeting your daily needs.
-Does prayer change shattered hearts or broken bodies?
No, not always, but it will change your source of strength and comfort.
-Does prayer change your wants and desires?
No, not always, but it will change your wants into what God desires!
-Does prayer change how you view the world?
No, not always, but it will change whose eyes you see the world through.
-Does prayer change your regrets from the past?
No, not always, but it will change your hopes for the future!
-Does prayer change the people around you?
No, not always, but it will change you because the problem isn't always in others.

-Does prayer change your life in ways you can't explain?
Oh, yes, always; and it will change you from the inside out!
So does prayer really change anything? Yes! It really does change everything!

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

When Your Wife Has The Flu

Notes pinned to the pillow of a mother who has the flu by a well-meaning husband who has inherited the house and kids.

-Monday A.M.
Dearest: Sleep late. Everything under control. Lunches packed. Kids off to school. Menu for dinner planned. Your lunch is on a tray in refrigerator: fruit cup, finger-sandwiches. Thermos of hot tea by bedside. See you around six.

-Tuesday A.M.
Honey: Sorry about the egg rack in the frig. Hope you got back to sleep. Did the kids tell you about the Coke I put in the Thermoses? The school might call you about this. Dinner may be a little late. I'm doing your door-to-door canvas for liver research. Your lunch is in refrigerator. Hope you like leftover chili.

-Wednesday A.M.
Dear Doris: Why in the name of all that is sane would you put soap powder in the flour canister! If you have time, could you please come up with a likely spot for Chris's missing shoes? We've checked the clothes hamper, garage, back seat of the car and wood box. Did you know the school has a ruling on bedroom slippers? There's some cold pizza for you on a napkin in the oven drawer. Will be late tonight. Driving eight Girl Scouts to tour meat-packing house.

-Thursday A.M.
Doris: Don't panic over water in hallway. It crested last night at 9 P.M. Will finish laundry tonight. Please pencil in answers to following: 1. How do you turn on the garbage disposal? 2. How do you turn off the milkman? 3. Why would that rotten kid leave his shoes in his boots? 4. How do you remove a Confederate flag inked on the palm of a small boy's hand? 5. What do you do with leftovers when they begin to snap at you when you open the door? I don't know what you're having for lunch! Surprise me!

-Friday A.M.
Hey: Don't drink from pitcher by the sink. Am trying to restore pink dress shirt to original white. Take heart. Tonight, the ironing will be folded, the house cleaned and the dinner on time....... I called your mother. Have a great day!

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Help Out The Police

How not to rob banks-

Pick The Right Bank: You don't want to make the same mistake as the fellow in Anaheim, CA, who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money.
Study Your History: Don't try to stick up the First National Bank of Northfield, Minnesota. Jesse James tried it 111 years ago, and the townsfolk took just seven minutes to kill two and capture three of his gang. Nobody tried it again until 1984, and the customers chased the guy down. They're tight with their dollar in Minnesota.
Speak To The Right Teller: One robber in Upland, CA, presented his note to the teller, and her father, who was in the next line, got all bent out of shape about it. He wrestled the guy to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.
Don't Sign Your Demand Note: Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh ... on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit. And in East Hartford, Connecticut, on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's name and account number.
Don't Advertise: A teenage girl in Los Angeles tried to distract attention from her face by wearing a see-through blouse with no bra while holding up banks.
Go Easy On The Disguise: One robber, dressed up as a woman with very heavy make-up, ran face first into a glass door. He was the first criminal ever to be positively identified by lip-print.
Take Right Turns Only: Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn into the Homestead Air Force Base, drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security men money.
Be Aware Of The Time: Imagine the chagrin of the bank robber in Cheshire, Massachusetts, who hit the bank at 4:30 PM, then tried to escape through downtown North Adams, where he was trapped in rush hour traffic until police arrived.
Consider Another Line Of Work: Bank robbery is not for everyone. One nervous Newport, RI robber, trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly.
Be Strong: Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Massachusetts, who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived. His getaway car parked nearby had the keys locked inside.

Are You Normal?

Did you know that........

Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.
21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.
Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.
40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.
85% of men don't use the slit in their underwear.
67.5% of men wear tightie whities (briefs).
The average bra size today is 36C whereas 10 years ago it was a 34B.
85% of women wear the wrong bra size.
3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations
13% of us admit to occassionally doing our offspring's homework.
91% of us lie regularly.
27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.
29% admit they've intentionally stolen something from a store.
50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.
90% believe in divine retribution.
10% believe in the 10 Commandments.
82% believe in an afterlife.
45% believe in ghosts.
13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.
29% of us are virgins when we marry?
58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't?
10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item.
Over 50% believe in spanking but only a child over 2 years old.
35% give to charity at least once a month.
How far would you go for $10 million?
25% would abandon their friends, family, and church.
7% would murder.
69% eat the cake before the frosting.
When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.
85% of us will eat Spam this year.
70% of us drink orange juice daily.
Snickers is the most popular candy.
22% of us skip lunch daily.
9% of us skip breakfast daily.
66% of us eat cereal regularly.
22% of all restaurant meals include french fries.
14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.
Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.
45% use mouthwash every day.
22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.
The typical shower is 101 degrees F.
Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair.
9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery.
53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.
58% of women paint their nails regularly.
62% of us pop our zits.
33% of women lie about their weight.
10% of us claim to have seen a ghost.
57% have had deja vu.
49% believe in ESP.
4 out of 5 of us have suffered from hemorrhoids.
The average girl starts her period at age 12.
44% have broken a bone.
only 30% of us know our cholesterol level.
14% have attended a selfhelp meeting.
15% regularly go to a shrink.
78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home.
46.5% of men say they ALWAYS put the seat down after they've used the toilet, yet women claim to ALWAYS find it up.
30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.
54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.
23.5% admit they don't always flush.
45.2% pee in the shower.
44.9% pee in the ocean.
28.1% pee in the pool.
55.2% will let someone else come in the bathroom while they're using the toilet.
39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet. 17% have been caught by the host.
81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip his pants.
29% of us ignore RSVP.
71.6% of us eavesdrop.
22% are functionally illiterate.
Less than 10% are trilingual.
37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.
53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.
56% of women do the bills in a marriage.
2 out of 3 of us wouldn't give up our spouse, even for one night, for a million bucks.
20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life.
40% of us have had music lessons.
44% reuse tinfoil.
57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.
66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch.
53% read their horoscopes regularly.
16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men).
59% of us say we're average looking.
Blacks are more than twice as likely to call themselves beautiful.
90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.
53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers.
28% of us have skinnydipped. 14% with the opposite sex.
51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.
On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.
20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.
2 out of 5 have married their first love.
The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money.
Only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand.
1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.
6% propose over the phone.
71% can drive a stickshift car.
45% of us consistantly follow the speed limit.
2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.
1/3 of us don't wear seat belts.
12% of men never use their car blinkers.
44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.
25% of us drive after we've been drinking.
4 out of 5 sing in the car.

Are you more normal or less normal than you thought you were?

Do You Know Who I Am?

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 700 students in the class!

The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail.

1/2 hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.

"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing.

After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing.

1/2 hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late."

The student looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know WHO I am?"

"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.

"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again.

"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.

"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.

Who Wrote The Ad?

The following are actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers:

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere else again.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

Great Dames for sale.

Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

Wise Sayings

There is always death and taxes; however death doesn't get worse every year.
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.
You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom, sometimes age comes alone.
Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

But Your Client Didn't

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick: "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. "But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door." The jury foreman replied: "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't."

Speak English Properly

Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat)
Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
Be more or less specific.
Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
No sentence fragments.
Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
One should NEVER generalize.
Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
One-word sentences? Eliminate.
Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
The passive voice is to be ignored.
Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth-shaking ideas.
Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
Puns are for children, not groan readers.
Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
Who needs rhetorical questions?
Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

And the last one...
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Grandparents

-Grandmas are moms with lots of frosting.

-What a bargain grandchildren are! I give them my loose change, and they give me a million dollars' worth of pleasure for it.

-Grandmothers are just 'antique' little girls.

-Perfect love sometimes does not come until the first grandchild.

-A grandmother is a babysitter who watches the kids instead of the television.

-Never have children, only grandchildren.

-Becoming a grandmother is wonderful. One moment you're just a mother. The next you are all-wise and prehistoric.

-Grandchildren don't stay young forever, which is good because Grandfathers have only so many horsy rides in them.

-When grandpa enters the door, discipline flies out the window.

-Grandma always made you feel she had been waiting to see just you all day and now the day was complete.

-Grandmas never run out of hugs or cookies.

-Grandmas hold our tiny hands for just a little while, but our hearts forever.

-If I had known how wonderful it would be to have grandchildren, I'd have had them first.

-My grandkids believe I'm the oldest thing in the world. And after two or three hours with them, I believe it, too.

-If becoming a grandmother was only a matter of choice, I should advise every one of you straight away to become one. There is no fun for old people like it.

-It's such a grand thing to be a mother of a mother - that's why the world calls her grandmother.

-Grandchildren are God's way of compensating us for growing old.

-You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother.

-An hour with your grandchildren can make you feel young again. Anything longer than that, and you start to age quickly.

-The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby's grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.

-I wish I had the energy that my grandchildren have - if only for self-defense.

-Grandmother-grandchild relationships are simple. Grandmas are short on criticism and long on love.

-Nobody can do for little children what grandparents do Grandparents sort of sprinkle stardust over the lives of little children.

-Grandmother - a wonderful mother with lots of practice.

-A grandparent is old on the outside but young on the inside.

-One of the most powerful handclasps is that of a new grandbaby around the finger of a grandfather.

-It's amazing how grandparents seem so young once you become one.

-If your baby is 'beautiful and perfect, never cries or fusses, sleeps on schedule and burps on demand, an angel all the time,' you're the grandma.

-Grandparents are similar to a piece of string - handy to have around. and easily wrapped around the fingers of their grandchildren.

-Grandchildren don't make a man feel old; it's the knowledge that he's married to a grandmother.

A Believer's Prayer

Dear God:

When I was broken you were the only one who cared. You healed every wound and gave me strength to embrace the next battle. As my Commander-In-Chief your instructions always uplifted me. You saw all of my faults and still enlisted me in your army. You never gave up on me even when I almost gave up on you. You never promised me an easy life nor one of compromise. You always challenged my integrity and honestly. Not as a test, but to intensify my service for you. You gave me hope when there was none and faith that I could do the task in front of me. You never gave up on me.

There were others who saw my compassion as weakness and my never-say-die attitude as bravado, but you saw the real me and that was the me you inspired. Thing didn't go as I anticipated, but I made it anyway because you never failed me. Others lost faith, others turned aside, but you were always there every step of the way giving me courage and hope when I needed it the most. You never left me.

Life is never an open and shut case. We all face many battlefields and bear the scars of those battles. Some can be visibly seen while others are invisible, but hurt just as deeply. Some will heal, yet others will fester and manifest themselves for years to come. The hurts some people have cannot be healed by the human touch, only by yours. So this is my prayer-Heal those that are broken in ways the world cannot fix and those that need that healing touch who refuse to admit it. Take every scar caused by any means and let it touched in a supernatural way. I know you never promised a simple path, but you did promise us you would walk our path with us. Please remind us of that today.

-Amen-

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

10 Lessons Learned From 45 Years of Ministry

The following are 10 lessons I’ve learned in 45 years of ministry:

1. The goal is not to win a debate but to redeem the heart.

2. One’s public witness is only as authentic as one’s private integrity.

3. There is no greater source of wisdom than the Bible and no investment that yields greater returns than prayer.

4. Hate is only validated when one responds in like spirit.

5. Jesus should never be presented as less than he claimed to be: the way, the truth and the life.

6. One should live first and foremost so as to please a heavenly audience.

7. One’s legacy is found not in things that matter least but in people who matter most.

8. The generation into which I am born is my calling and it beckons me to be fully engaged.

9. When Jesus paused while dying on the cross to make certain his mother was cared for, he showed how to prioritize family amidst ministry.

10. Sermons can inspire but it is love in action that makes the most profound impact.

As I look to the next generation of ministers I am keenly aware that they will seek to touch a world that is increasingly distracted. Absolutes will be challenged as those who oppose Biblical precepts become more organized and vocal. Their strength will be in presenting not religion but a relationship with Jesus Christ.

To the generation of ministers who have served before me that includes Wade Horton, Ray Hughes, J. Frank Culpepper, I. C. Morris. Jr. and others less well-known but equally faithful I owe a debt of gratitude.

Saturday, April 16, 2016

A Salesman And Monkeys

There was once a hat-salesman who passed by a forest on his way back a sales trip. The weather was very hot and he decided to take a nap under one of the trees, so he left his whole basket of hats by the side of the road. A few hours later, he was awakened by some sounds.

The next thing he realized was that all his hats were gone. Then he heard some monkeys on top of the tree and he looked up. To his surprise, the tree was full of monkeys.

They have taken all his hats!

The hat-seller sits down and tries to think of how he can get the hats down. He started to think and scratched his head.

The next moment, he realized that the monkeys were doing the same thing.

Next, he took off his own hat and fanned himself. The monkeys did exactly the same! An idea struck him - he took his hat and threw it on the ground. And the monkeys did the same too. So, he managed to get all his hats back. Fifty years later, his grandson also became a hat-salesman and had heard this monkey story from his grandfather.

One day, just like his grandfather, he passed by the same forest. Feeling very hot, he took a nap under the same tree and left the hats on the ground Again, when he woke up, he realized that all his hats were gone.

He looked up and found that the monkeys had taken all his hats. Remembering what his grandfather had told him, he started scratching his head and the monkeys followed. He took off his hat and fanned himself and again the monkeys followed. Now, very convinced of his grandfather's idea, he threw his hat on the ground... but to his surprise, the monkeys still held on to all the hats!

Then one monkey climbed down the tree, grabbed the hat on the ground, gave him a slap and said, "You think only you have a grandfather?!"

Thursday, April 14, 2016

All About Men (Part 1)

Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
If you buy your husband a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of your husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.
Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald."
Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
Men are very confident people. Your husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, wives, stay off the phone in case they call him.
If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.
Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.
Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.
Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Original Thinkers

I did a lot of experimental things when I was a Youth Pastor many years ago. One night I gave the youth the beginning of a list of famous sayings and asked them to provide original endings for each one. Here are some examples they submitted many years ago.

The grass is always greener when you leave the sprinkler on.
A rolling stone plays the guitar.
The grass is always greener when you remember to water it.
A bird in the hand is a real mess.
No news is no newspaper.
It's better to light one candle than to waste electricity.
It's always darkest just before I open my eyes.
You have nothing to fear but homework.
If you can't stand the heat, don't start the fireplace.
If you can't stand the heat, go swimming.
Never put off 'til tomorrow what you should have done yesterday.
A penny saved is nothing in the real world.
The squeaking wheel gets annoying.
We have nothing to fear but our principal.
To err is human. To eat a muskrat is not.
I think, therefore I get a headache.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry, and someone yells,
"Shut up!"
Better to light a candle than to light an explosive.
It's always darkest before 9:30 p.m.
Early to bed and early to rise is first in the bathroom.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a blister.
There is nothing new under the bed.
The grass is always greener when you put manure on it.
Don't count your chickens -- it takes too long.

Saturday, April 9, 2016

True Welfare Statements

Sentences taken from actual letters received by the Welfare department, from applications for aid and assistance.

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I have seven but one died and was baptized on half sheet of paper.
I am writing to the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?
Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy.
I cannot get sick pay. I have six children, can you tell me why?
I am glad to report that my husband who was reported missing is dead.
This is my eighth child, what are you going to do about it?
Please find for certain if my husband is dead, the man I am living with can't eat or do anything until he finds out.
I am very annoyed that you have branded my son illiterate, as this is a lie. I was married to his father a week before he was born.
In answer to your letter I have given birth to a boy weighing ten lbs. I hope this is satisfactory.
I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my three children, one of which was a mistake as you can see.
My husband had his project cut off two weeks ago, and I haven't had any relief since.
Unless I get my money soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.
You have changed my little boy to a little girl. Will this make any difference?
I haven't had children as yet as my husband is a bus driver and works day and night.
In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.
I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and this doesn't seem to do me any good. If things don't improve I will be forced to send for another doctor.
It is true I am a bachelor and have deducted for two children. But please believe me when I say it was an accident.
Please excuse the condition of my messy form. I really should have been more careful.
I am a vermin destroyer but have not earned anything for some months. I shall be glad to call on you at your convenience.
Please send me a claim form as I have had a baby. I had one before but it got dirty and I burned it.
I cannot pay the full amount at the moment as my husband is in hospital. As soon as I can I will send on the remains.
Please correct this assessment. I have not worked for the past three months as I have broken my leg. Hoping you will do the same

Facts About Men (Part 2)

All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
Men love gadgets and lots of it. My husband has practically everything from Sharper Image. Name it, he has it, but does he need all of them - I didn't think so.
All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.
Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.
All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.
Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.
Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to your husband. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say, "Oh, my, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door