MidLife Crisis

Several of my former members and friends (or at least I hope they will be after I post this) have recently turned fifty. They don't look it and a favorite saying for the past 25 years has been, "Life begins at 50." Well, I have good news and bad for you. It does begin-to go downhill! These are just a few observations from somebody who has been there.  

-Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.

-Midlife means that the glass is still half-full. Of course, the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it.

-Midlife women no longer have upper arms, they have wingspans. They are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.

-Midlife has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.

-Midlife means that when you go for a mammogram and you realize it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in film.

-Midlife's threshold has been crossed when you're in the grocery store and you hear a Muzak version of "Stairway to Heaven" in the produce department.

-Midlife is when you bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce back. (It's more like Splat!)

-Midlife brings the wisdom that life throws you curves. You're now sitting on your biggest ones.

-Midlife means it's very hard to "get jiggy with it" in midlife-jiggly, yes; jiggy, no.

-Midlife is when your 1990's Body-by-Jake now includes Legs-by-Rand McNally (More red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of the state of Wisconsin).

-Midlife can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think, "For this I have stretch marks?"

-Midlife is when you start to repeat yourself and your chins follow suit.

-Midlife is when you realize that if you were a dog, you'd need a control top flea collar.

-Midlife is when your memory really starts to go. The only thing you still retain is water.

-Midlife makes you become more reflective. You start pondering the "big" questions-like what is life, why am I here, and how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?