Welcome to the blog of Pastor Alton Stone, from Simpsonville, SC. Pastor Stone is a retired Ordained Bishop of The Church of God, Cleveland, Tennessee with over 45 years of pastoral ministry.

Monday, January 11, 2016

Ways To Survive A Dull Sermon


(Not necessary if you are in a red hot Pentecostal Church)

  • Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests
  • See if a yawn really is contagious
  • Slap your neighbor. See if they turn the other cheek. If not, raise your hand and tell the minister.
  • Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs
  • Listen for the speakers to use a word beginning with 'A' then 'B and so on through the alphabet.
  • Sit in the back row and roll a handful of marbles under the pews ahead of you. After the service, credit yourself with 10 points for every marble that made it to the front.
  • Using church notice-sheets or newcomers cards for raw materials, design, test and modify a collection of paper airplanes.
  • Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the lavatory.
  • Whip out a hankie and blow your nose. Vary the pressure exerted on your nostrils and trumpet out a rendition of your favorite hymn.
  • Unobtrusively draw your arms up into your sleeves, turn your shirt inside out.
  • Try to raise one eyebrow.
  • Think about your chin for an entire minute.
  • Twiddle your thumbs.
  • Wiggle your ears so that the people behind you will notice.

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