Pastoral Search Committee

In our search for a suitable pastor, the following scratch sheet was developed for your perusal. Of the candidates investigated by the committee, only one was found to have the necessary qualities. The list contains the names of the candidates and comments on each, should you be interested in investigating them further for future pastoral placements.

• Noah: He has 120 years of preaching experience, but no converts. 
  
  
• Abraham: He took off to Egypt during hard times. We heard that he got into trouble with the authorities and then tried to lie his way out. 
  
  
• Moses: He stutters; and his former congregation says he loses his temper over trivial things. 
  
  
• David: He is an unacceptable moral character. He might have been considered for minister of music had he not 'fallen.' 
  
  
• Solomon: He has a reputation for wisdom but fails to practice what he preaches. 
  
  
• Elijah: He proved to be inconsistent, and is known to fold under pressure. 
  
  
• Hosea: His family life is in a shambles. Divorced, and remarried to a prostitute. 
  
  
• Jeremiah: He is too emotional, alarmist; some say a real 'pain in the neck.' 
  
  
• Amos: Comes from a farming background. Better off picking figs. 
  
  
• John: He says he is a Baptist but lacks tact and dresses like a hippie. Would not feel comfortable at a church potluck supper. 
  
  
• Peter: Has a bad temper, and was heard to have even denied Christ publicly. 
  
  
• Paul: We found him to lack tact. He is too harsh, His appearance is contemptible, and he preaches far too long. 
  
  
• Timothy: He has potential, but is much too young for the position. 
  
  
• Jesus: He tends to offend church members with his preaching, especially Bible scholars. He is also too controversial. He even offended the search committee with his pointed questions. 
  
  
• Judas: He seemed to be very practical, co-operative, good with money, cares for the poor, and dresses well. We all agreed that he is just the man we are looking for to fill the vacancy as our Senior Pastor.

Thank you for all you have done in assisting us with our pastoral search. 

Sincerely, The Pastoral Search Committee.