Friday, January 22, 2016
Farmer Joe
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?," questioned the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!"
Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"
It was then that I said, "I'm fine."
Just Like Rodney Dangerfield
It has been a tough year, but I'm making it! But not everyone has been as lucky as I have been . . . . . .
- The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
- I ordered a burger at McDonald's, and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
- If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you have to call them and ask if they mean you or them.
- Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
- McDonald's is selling the 1/4 'ouncer'.
- Parents in Beverly Hills and Malibu are firing their nannies and learning their children's names.
- A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .
- Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
- Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
- The Mafia is laying off judges.
- BP Oil laid off 25 Congressmen.
- I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, and our bleak future, that I called the Suicide hotline and was connected to a call center in Pakistan. When I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
And, finally . . . .
- Congress says they are looking into the Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!
Walmart Application
This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior submitted to Walmart in Arkansas... they hired him because he was so honest and funny.
- NAME: George Martin
- SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person (or one who'll cooperate).
- DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, what ever is available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
- DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
- EDUCATION: Yes.
- LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
- SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
- MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
- REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
- HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
- PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p. m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
- DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
- MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?
- DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 Lbs.? Of what?
- DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
- HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.
- WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
- DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
- SIGN HERE: Sagittarius
Couples Alternate Shot Golf Tournament
The husband reluctantly agreed to play in the couples alternate shot tournament at his club. He teed off on the first hole, a par four, and blistered a drive 300 yards down the middle of the fairway.
Upon reaching the ball, the husband said to his wife, "Just hit it toward the green, anywhere around there will be fine."
The wife proceeded to shank the ball deep into the woods.
Undaunted, the husband said "That's ok sweetheart." He then spent the next ten minutes looking for the ball. He finally found it, but in a horrible position. He played the shot of his life, and got the ball within two feet of the hole!
"Just tap it in now, honey." he said to his wife.
She then proceeded to knock the ball past the hole, off the green, and into a bunker!
Maintaining his composure, the husband summoned all of his skill and holed the shot from the bunker! He retrieved the ball and, while walking off the green, put his arm around his wife and said, very calmly, "Honey, well we managed to salvage that hole, and I'm sure we can do better on the next hole."
To which she replied, "I certainly hope so! And just remember, only 2 of those 5 shots were mine!
Upon reaching the ball, the husband said to his wife, "Just hit it toward the green, anywhere around there will be fine."
The wife proceeded to shank the ball deep into the woods.
Undaunted, the husband said "That's ok sweetheart." He then spent the next ten minutes looking for the ball. He finally found it, but in a horrible position. He played the shot of his life, and got the ball within two feet of the hole!
"Just tap it in now, honey." he said to his wife.
She then proceeded to knock the ball past the hole, off the green, and into a bunker!
Maintaining his composure, the husband summoned all of his skill and holed the shot from the bunker! He retrieved the ball and, while walking off the green, put his arm around his wife and said, very calmly, "Honey, well we managed to salvage that hole, and I'm sure we can do better on the next hole."
To which she replied, "I certainly hope so! And just remember, only 2 of those 5 shots were mine!
Genealogy Quips (Part 3)
- Shh! Be very, very quiet ... I'm hunting forebears.
- Snobs talk as if they had begotten their own ancestors!
- That's strange: half my ancestors are WOMEN!
- I'm not sick, I've just got fading genes.
- Genealogists live in the past lane.
- Cousins marrying cousins: Very tangled roots!
- Cousins marrying cousins: A non-branching family tree
- Alright! Everybody out of the gene pool!
- Always willing to share my ignorance ...
- Documentation ... The hardest part of genealogy.
- Genealogy: Chasing your own tale!
- Genealogy ... will I ever find time to mow the lawn again?
- That's the problem with the gene pool: NO Lifeguards.
- I researched my family tree ... and apparently I don't exist!
Genealogy Quips (Part 2)
- After 30 days unclaimed ancestors will be adopted.
- Am I the only person up my tree ... sure seems like it.
- Any family tree produces some lemons, some nuts, and a few bad apples.
- Ever find an ancestor HANGING from the family tree?
- FLOOR: The place for storing your priceless genealogy records.
- Gene-Allergy: It's a contagious disease but I love it.
- Genealogists are time unravelers.
- Genealogy is like playing hide and seek: They hide ... I seek!
- Genealogy: Tracing yourself back to better people.
- "Crazy" is a relative term in my family.
- A pack rat is hard to live with but makes a fine ancestor.
- I want to find ALL of them! So far I only have a few thousand.
- I Should have asked them BEFORE they died!
- I think my ancestors had several "Bad heir" days.
- I'm always late. My ancestors arrived on the JUNE flower.
- Only a Genealogist regards a step backwards, as progress.
- Share your knowledge, it is a way to achieve immortality.
- Heredity: Everyone believes in it until their children act like fools!
- It's an unusual family that hath neither a lady of the evening or a thief.
- Many a family tree needs pruning.
Genealogy Quips (Part 1)
From Comments seen on a Genealogy Support Group . . . .
- My family coat of arms ties at the back ... is that normal?
- My family tree is a few branches short! All help appreciated.
- My ancestors must be in a witness protection program!
- Shake your family tree and watch the nuts fall!
- My hobby is genealogy, I raise dust bunnies as pets.
- How can one ancestor cause so much TROUBLE?!
- I looked into my family tree and found out I was a sap ...
- I'm not stuck, I'm ancestrally challenged.
- I'm searching for myself; Have you seen me?
- If only people came with pull-down menus and on-line help ...
- Isn't genealogy fun? The answer to one problem leads to two more!
- It's 2000 ... Do you know where your G-G-Grandparents are?
- A family reunion is an effective form of birth control.
- A family tree can wither if nobody tends it's roots.
- A new cousin a day keeps the boredom away.
Advice From Mark Twain
-Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.
-Be careless in your dress if you will, but keep a tidy soul.
-There are several good protections against temptation, but the surest is cowardice.
-Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it.
-We ought never to do wrong when people are looking.
-If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
-Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
-All you need to be assured of success in this life is ignorance and confidence.
-Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else; this is not a piece of advice, it is merely a custom.
-It's a good idea to obey all the rules when you're young just so you'll have the strength to break them when you're old.
-Let us not be too particular: It is better to have old secondhand diamonds than none at all.
-Do something every day that you don't want to do; this is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain.
-If a person offends you, and you are in doubt as to whether it was intentional or not, do not resort to extreme measures; simply watch for your chance and hit him with a brick.
-Always acknowledge a fault frankly. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.
-There is no use in your walking five miles to fish when you can depend on being just as unsuccessful near home.
-Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.
-It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.
-Don't part with illu-sions. When they are gone, you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.
-Be careful to get out of an experience all the wisdom that is in it; not like the cat that sits down on a hot stove. She will never sit down on a hot stove lid again-and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.
-Be careless in your dress if you will, but keep a tidy soul.
-There are several good protections against temptation, but the surest is cowardice.
-Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it.
-We ought never to do wrong when people are looking.
-If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
-Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
-All you need to be assured of success in this life is ignorance and confidence.
-Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else; this is not a piece of advice, it is merely a custom.
-It's a good idea to obey all the rules when you're young just so you'll have the strength to break them when you're old.
-Let us not be too particular: It is better to have old secondhand diamonds than none at all.
-Do something every day that you don't want to do; this is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain.
-If a person offends you, and you are in doubt as to whether it was intentional or not, do not resort to extreme measures; simply watch for your chance and hit him with a brick.
-Always acknowledge a fault frankly. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.
-There is no use in your walking five miles to fish when you can depend on being just as unsuccessful near home.
-Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.
-It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.
-Don't part with illu-sions. When they are gone, you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.
-Be careful to get out of an experience all the wisdom that is in it; not like the cat that sits down on a hot stove. She will never sit down on a hot stove lid again-and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.
Things Learned at Bible School
I know that the Bible School season is during spring or summer, but kids (and adults) learn the weirdest things during these sessions. Just think about that as you read these things that happen during Bible School:
-With your eyes closed for prayer, anything can happen in a room full of preschoolers.
-With your eyes closed for prayer, anything can happen in a room full of preschoolers.
-Prayer requests reveal a lot about parents.
-A fire extinguisher is a handy device.
-Helium tanks should be chained down tightly.
-Cheap glue adheres to skin.
-Kool Aid and song motions do not mix.
-Grand pianos are not as durable as you might think.
-Church maintenance men do not have a sense of humor.
-Offering money always rolls to the other side of the room when dropped.
-Ushers do not have a sense of humor.
-There IS a doggie Heaven.
-Parachute games should not be used in a room with a chandelier.
-Animal crackers can be sneezed out the nose.
-Girls are superior to boys.
-There are good reasons why pastor's kids have a bad reputation.
-Helium intoxication does not render respect in a staff meeting.
The Price of a Child
I posted this several years ago. In honor of my newest granddaughter, I wanted to share it again.
The government recently calculated the cost of raising child from birth to 18 and came up with $160,140 for a middle income family. Talk about sticker shock. That doesn't even touch college tuition. For those with kids, that figure leads to wild fantasies about all the things we could have bought, all the places we could have traveled, all the money we could have banked if not for (insert child's name here). For others, that number might confirm the decision to remain childless.
But $160,140 isn't so bad if you break it down. It translates into $8,896.66 a year, $741.38 a month or $171.08 a week. That's a mere $24.44 a day. Just over a dollar an hour. Still, you might think the best financial advice says don't have children if you want to be rich. It's just the opposite.
There's no way to put a price tag on:
-Feeling a new life move for the first time and seeing the bump of a knee rippling across your skin. -Having someone cry, "It's a boy!" or shout, "It's a girl!" then hearing the baby wail and knowing all that matters is it's healthy. -Counting all 10 fingers and toes for the first time. -Feeling the warmth of fat cheeks against your breast. -Cupping an entire head in the palm of your hand. -Making out da da or ma ma from all the cooing and gurgling.
What do you get for your $160,140?
-Naming rights. First, middle and last. -Glimpses of God every day. -Giggles under the covers every night. -More love than your heart can hold. -Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs. -Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds and warm cookies. -A hand to hold, usually covered with jam. -A partner for blowing bubbles, flying kites, building sand castles and skipping down the sidewalk in the pouring rain. -Someone to laugh yourself silly with no matter what the boss said or how your stocks performed that day.
For $160,140, You never have to grow up. You get to finger paint, carve pumpkins, play hide-and-seek, catch lightning bugs and never stop believing in Santa Claus. You have an excuse to keep reading the adventures of Piglet and Pooh, watching Saturday morning cartoons, going to Disney movies and wishing on stars.
You get to frame rainbows, hearts and flowers under refrigerator magnets and collect spray painted noodle wreaths for Christmas, hand prints set in clay for Mother's Day and cards with backward letters for Father's Day.
For $160,140, there's no greater bang for your buck. You get to be a hero just for retrieving a Frisbee off the garage roof, taking the training wheels off the bike, removing a sliver, filling the wading pool, coaxing a wad of gum out of bangs and coaching a baseball team that never wins but always gets treated to ice cream regardless.
You get a front row seat to history to witness the first step, first word, first bra, first date, first time behind the wheel. You get to be immortal. You get another branch added to your family tree, and if you're lucky, a long list of limbs in your obituary called grandchildren.
You get an education in psychology, nursing, criminal justice, communications and human sexuality no college can match. In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there with God. You have the power to heal a boo-boo, scare away monsters under the bed, patch a broken heart, police a slumber party, ground them forever and love them without limits, so one day they will, like you, love without counting the cost.
The government recently calculated the cost of raising child from birth to 18 and came up with $160,140 for a middle income family. Talk about sticker shock. That doesn't even touch college tuition. For those with kids, that figure leads to wild fantasies about all the things we could have bought, all the places we could have traveled, all the money we could have banked if not for (insert child's name here). For others, that number might confirm the decision to remain childless.
But $160,140 isn't so bad if you break it down. It translates into $8,896.66 a year, $741.38 a month or $171.08 a week. That's a mere $24.44 a day. Just over a dollar an hour. Still, you might think the best financial advice says don't have children if you want to be rich. It's just the opposite.
There's no way to put a price tag on:
-Feeling a new life move for the first time and seeing the bump of a knee rippling across your skin. -Having someone cry, "It's a boy!" or shout, "It's a girl!" then hearing the baby wail and knowing all that matters is it's healthy. -Counting all 10 fingers and toes for the first time. -Feeling the warmth of fat cheeks against your breast. -Cupping an entire head in the palm of your hand. -Making out da da or ma ma from all the cooing and gurgling.
What do you get for your $160,140?
-Naming rights. First, middle and last. -Glimpses of God every day. -Giggles under the covers every night. -More love than your heart can hold. -Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs. -Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds and warm cookies. -A hand to hold, usually covered with jam. -A partner for blowing bubbles, flying kites, building sand castles and skipping down the sidewalk in the pouring rain. -Someone to laugh yourself silly with no matter what the boss said or how your stocks performed that day.
For $160,140, You never have to grow up. You get to finger paint, carve pumpkins, play hide-and-seek, catch lightning bugs and never stop believing in Santa Claus. You have an excuse to keep reading the adventures of Piglet and Pooh, watching Saturday morning cartoons, going to Disney movies and wishing on stars.
You get to frame rainbows, hearts and flowers under refrigerator magnets and collect spray painted noodle wreaths for Christmas, hand prints set in clay for Mother's Day and cards with backward letters for Father's Day.
For $160,140, there's no greater bang for your buck. You get to be a hero just for retrieving a Frisbee off the garage roof, taking the training wheels off the bike, removing a sliver, filling the wading pool, coaxing a wad of gum out of bangs and coaching a baseball team that never wins but always gets treated to ice cream regardless.
You get a front row seat to history to witness the first step, first word, first bra, first date, first time behind the wheel. You get to be immortal. You get another branch added to your family tree, and if you're lucky, a long list of limbs in your obituary called grandchildren.
You get an education in psychology, nursing, criminal justice, communications and human sexuality no college can match. In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there with God. You have the power to heal a boo-boo, scare away monsters under the bed, patch a broken heart, police a slumber party, ground them forever and love them without limits, so one day they will, like you, love without counting the cost.
Help Wanted-Equal Opportunity Employer
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least.
However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded!
He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow".
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least.
However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded!
He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow".
Thursday, January 21, 2016
Famous Last Words
- "Are you sure the power is off?"
- "Don't be so superstitious."
- "He's probably just hibernating."
- "I can do that with my eyes closed."
- "I wonder where the mother bear is?"
- "I'll get a world record for this."
- "I'll hold it and you light the fuse."
- "And that one over there, the red flashing
one, what does that mean?"
- "I'm making a citizen's arrest."
- "It's fireproof."
- "It's strong enough for both of us."
- "I've done this before."
- "I've seen this done on TV."
- "Let it down slowly."
- "Nice doggie."
- "Now watch this..."
- "Pull the pin and count to what?"
- "Rat poison only kills rats."
- "So, you're a cannibal..."
- "Listen, I'm taking a course in chemistry,
I know what I'm doing."
- "That's odd..."
- "These are the good kind of mushrooms."
- "This doesn't taste right."
- "What does this button do?"
- "Which wire was I supposed to cut?"
one, what does that mean?"
I know what I'm doing."
Wednesday, January 20, 2016
Old Mother--New Baby
With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently.
When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit. "May we see the new baby?" one asked.
"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for awhile first."
Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"
"No, not yet," said the mother.
After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"
"No, not yet," replied the mother sternly.
Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when CAN we see the baby?"
"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.
"WHEN HE CRIES??" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until he CRIES??"
"BECAUSE... I forgot where I put him!"
When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit. "May we see the new baby?" one asked.
"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for awhile first."
Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"
"No, not yet," said the mother.
After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"
"No, not yet," replied the mother sternly.
Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when CAN we see the baby?"
"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.
"WHEN HE CRIES??" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until he CRIES??"
"BECAUSE... I forgot where I put him!"
Tuesday, January 19, 2016
Pinewood Church Dinner
A group of country friends from the Pinewood Church decided to get together on a regular basis to socialize, play games, and fellowship with one another.
Once a month group members would take turns preparing dinner and hosting the group. When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts, Janet decided she wanted to prepare a fancy dinner.
She decided to serve mushroom-smothered steaks for dinner. However, when she went to town to buy the mushrooms she found out that good quality mushrooms were way too expensive. So, she told her husband, “No mushrooms – for that large of group the cost would be too much.” He said, “Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty along the creek bed.” She said, “No, ‘cuz wild mushrooms can be poisonous.”
Well, he said, “I see varmints eating them and they're okay.” So Janet decided to give ‘em a try. She picked a bunch, took them back up to the house, cleaned and cut them up, and included them in a mushroom gravy she made – for her fancy mushroom covered steaks.
To make sure the wild mushrooms were safe to eat, Janet decided to give Ol’ spot (the yard dog) a bowl of the mushroom gravy. The dog loved the wild mushrooms, and he appeared to be fine all day long.
Reassured, Janet went ahead and served the steaks with her homemade wild mushroom gravy. All the guests enjoyed the dinner and raved about how good the mushroom covered steaks tasted. Janet was pleased and felt good about all the money she saved by using the wild mushrooms. So she could be part of the group fun, Janet had hired a 17-year-old neighbor girl too clean-up after dinner and do the dishes.
After everyone had finished eating they all moved to the living room, where they sat around and relaxed, sang songs and socialized. All of a sudden, the neighbor girl rushed up to Janet and said: “Mrs. Williams, Ol’ Spot just died.”
Janet panicked, but managed to calm down enough to call the family doctor and tell him what had happened. The doctor said, “That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I’ll call for an ambulance and I will be there as soon as possible. I'll give everyone enemas and I will pump-out every ones stomach. Since it has only been a short time, hopefully, everyone will be okay.”
“Just keep them calm… don’t panic.”
Soon they heard the siren as the ambulance was coming up the road. The EMTs and the doctor carried in their medical cases and a stomach pump.
One by one, they took each guest into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, “Done! Everyone should be fine now, I hope - and he left”
Afterwards, all the guests were looking exhausted as they sat around the living room. Just then, the 17-year-old neighbor girl came into the living room and handed Janet a slip of paper. “Mrs. Jones,” she said, “I've finished cleaning-up and here's the license number of the car that ran over Ol’ Spot.”
Monday, January 11, 2016
What Kids Think They Hear
Art Linkletter had a TV program when I was growing up that shared funny things kids would say. The following statements about the Bible were written by children during an elementary Bible School class. They have not been retouched nor corrected but submitted just as they were written by the students. I wonder how many adults believe the same things?
-In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath off.
-Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of ARK. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.
-Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.
-The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.
-Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
-Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
-Moses led the Jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
-The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.
-The first commandments was when Eve told Adam to eat the Apple.
-The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
-Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
-The greatest miricle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
-David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. he fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.
-Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
-When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the magna carta.
-When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.
-Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
-St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
-Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. he also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.
-It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
-The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
-The epistels were the wives of the apostles.
-One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
-St. Paul cavorted to christianity, he preached holy acrimony which is another name for marraige.
-Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
-In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath off.
-Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of ARK. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.
-Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.
-The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.
-Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
-Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
-Moses led the Jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
-The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.
-The first commandments was when Eve told Adam to eat the Apple.
-The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
-Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
-The greatest miricle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
-David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. he fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.
-Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
-When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the magna carta.
-When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.
-Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
-St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
-Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. he also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.
-It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
-The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
-The epistels were the wives of the apostles.
-One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
-St. Paul cavorted to christianity, he preached holy acrimony which is another name for marraige.
-Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
Self-Help Ideas
-As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.
-I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
-I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
-I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed.
-In some cultures, what I do would be considered normal.
-Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over others.
-My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment.
-I honor my personality flaws for without them I would have no personality at all.
-Joan of Arc heard voices too.
-I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
-I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.
-As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
-When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.
-The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.
-I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
-I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
-I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed.
-In some cultures, what I do would be considered normal.
-Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over others.
-My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment.
-I honor my personality flaws for without them I would have no personality at all.
-Joan of Arc heard voices too.
-I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
-I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.
-As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
-When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.
-The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.
Ways To Survive A Dull Sermon
(Not necessary if you are in a red hot Pentecostal Church)
- Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests
- See if a yawn really is contagious
- Slap your neighbor. See if they turn the other cheek. If not, raise your hand and tell the minister.
- Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs
- Listen for the speakers to use a word beginning with 'A' then 'B and so on through the alphabet.
- Sit in the back row and roll a handful of marbles under the pews ahead of you. After the service, credit yourself with 10 points for every marble that made it to the front.
- Using church notice-sheets or newcomers cards for raw materials, design, test and modify a collection of paper airplanes.
- Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the lavatory.
- Whip out a hankie and blow your nose. Vary the pressure exerted on your nostrils and trumpet out a rendition of your favorite hymn.
- Unobtrusively draw your arms up into your sleeves, turn your shirt inside out.
- Try to raise one eyebrow.
- Think about your chin for an entire minute.
- Twiddle your thumbs.
- Wiggle your ears so that the people behind you will notice.
It's A Miracle!
A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix, Arizona, to Flagstaff, Arizona. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains became too much and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out to hitchhike, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop.
Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he were going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down.
Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the two Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap.
The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had two Corvettes headed his way at 120 mph. He then relayed, "and you're not going to believe this, but there's a guy on a 10-speed bike honking to pass."
Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he were going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down.
Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the two Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap.
The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had two Corvettes headed his way at 120 mph. He then relayed, "and you're not going to believe this, but there's a guy on a 10-speed bike honking to pass."
Sounds LIke Our Society Today
One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.
The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost."
God listened very patiently and kindly to the man and after the scientist was done talking, God said: "Very well, how about this, let's have a man making contest."
To which the scientist replied, "Okay, great!"
But God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."
The scientist said, "Sure, no problem," and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.
God looked at him and said: "No, no! You go get your own dirt!"
The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost."
God listened very patiently and kindly to the man and after the scientist was done talking, God said: "Very well, how about this, let's have a man making contest."
To which the scientist replied, "Okay, great!"
But God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."
The scientist said, "Sure, no problem," and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.
God looked at him and said: "No, no! You go get your own dirt!"
KFC
A friend of mine told me this story about his son. It will tickle your funny bone I promise. I call it simply "KFC".
Our teacher asked our class what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed. My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where I am now . . .
Our teacher asked our class what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed. My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where I am now . . .
Church Bulletin Bloopers
Ushers will eat latecomers.
For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.
The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Today the pastor will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth into Joy!"
The choir will meet at the Larsen house for fun and sinning.
Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.
"Wise Up, O Men of God"
Easter Sunday, we will have a 9:30 worship service. The 11:00 will be hell as usual.
Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
The 8th graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7:00 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
Tonight's sermon -- "What is hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the North and South ends of the church. Babies will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk, please come early.
This being Easter, Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Smith to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of a new carpet. All of those wishing to do something on the carpet will come forward and do so.
Thursday night - Potluck supper -- prayer and medication to follow.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
The Ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the basement on Saturday.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus
Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
The agenda was adopted... the minutes were approved... the financial secretary gave a grief report.
Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.
Missionary from Africa speaking at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Name: Bertha Belch. Announcement: "Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa."
Small typographical error seen in the church's bulletin: "The May meeting of the church finance committee will be hell as usual."
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 p.m. in the rec. hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
Announcement in a church bulletin for a National Prayer and Fasting Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."
For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.
The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Today the pastor will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth into Joy!"
The choir will meet at the Larsen house for fun and sinning.
Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.
"Wise Up, O Men of God"
Easter Sunday, we will have a 9:30 worship service. The 11:00 will be hell as usual.
Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
The 8th graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7:00 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
Tonight's sermon -- "What is hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the North and South ends of the church. Babies will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk, please come early.
This being Easter, Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Smith to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of a new carpet. All of those wishing to do something on the carpet will come forward and do so.
Thursday night - Potluck supper -- prayer and medication to follow.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
The Ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the basement on Saturday.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus
Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
The agenda was adopted... the minutes were approved... the financial secretary gave a grief report.
Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.
Missionary from Africa speaking at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Name: Bertha Belch. Announcement: "Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa."
Small typographical error seen in the church's bulletin: "The May meeting of the church finance committee will be hell as usual."
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 p.m. in the rec. hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
Announcement in a church bulletin for a National Prayer and Fasting Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."
Wednesday, January 6, 2016
Modern Day Noah
In the year 2015 the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Washington D.C. and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.
"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval. I've been arguing with the Fire Department about the need for a sprinkler system.
My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure. We had to go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision. Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, the SPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Port Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the EOC on how many nationalities I'm supposed to hire for my building team. The trade unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only union accredited workers with Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, Customs seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a Rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."
He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.
"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval. I've been arguing with the Fire Department about the need for a sprinkler system.
My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure. We had to go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision. Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, the SPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Port Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the EOC on how many nationalities I'm supposed to hire for my building team. The trade unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only union accredited workers with Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, Customs seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a Rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."
In The Beginning
In the beginning, God created the mule, and told him, "You will be a mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will live for 40 years." The mule replied, "Lord, to live like that for 40 years is too much. Give me no more than 20." And it was so.
Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years." And the dog responded,"Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, make it no more than 10 years." And it was so.
God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are a monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years." And the monkey said, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10 years." And it was so.
God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are a monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years." And the monkey said, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10 years." And it was so.
Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over all the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years." And the man responded, "Lord, certainly to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog declined, and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so.
So God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule, working and carrying heavy loads. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years more as a dog, guarding his household and eating only their leftovers after they empty the pantry; and then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren. And it became so.
So God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule, working and carrying heavy loads. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years more as a dog, guarding his household and eating only their leftovers after they empty the pantry; and then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren. And it became so.
MATURITY IS UNDER ATTACK!
Have you ever noticed that as you get older, everything seems uphill from where you are?? Stairs are steeper, Groceries are heavier, and everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become.
People are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time, and if you ask them to speak up, they just repeat themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face and exhausted. What do they think I am, a lip reader?
Goodness sakes, they are so much younger than they used to be when I was their age! On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an one of my former church members the other day, and he has aged so much that he didn't even recognize me. I got to thinking about that while I was combing my hair this morning, and I glanced at my own reflection in the mirror and thought to myself, "They don't even make mirrors like they used to!"
And everyone drives so fast today you're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the highway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rearview mirror.
Even clothing manufacturers are becoming less civilized these days. A lady exercising at the gym the other day wondered why they suddenly started labeling a size 6 dress as a 12? She said, "Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and other parts? And too, the fabric in dresses and slacks is so skimpy these days, especially around the hips and waist, that it's almost impossible to reach my shoelaces! The sizes just don't run the way they used to." She also told the lady she was walking with, "The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually believe the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much!"
You know I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on, but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too. They've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there. All I can do is pass along this warning:
People are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time, and if you ask them to speak up, they just repeat themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face and exhausted. What do they think I am, a lip reader?
Goodness sakes, they are so much younger than they used to be when I was their age! On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an one of my former church members the other day, and he has aged so much that he didn't even recognize me. I got to thinking about that while I was combing my hair this morning, and I glanced at my own reflection in the mirror and thought to myself, "They don't even make mirrors like they used to!"
And everyone drives so fast today you're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the highway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rearview mirror.
Even clothing manufacturers are becoming less civilized these days. A lady exercising at the gym the other day wondered why they suddenly started labeling a size 6 dress as a 12? She said, "Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and other parts? And too, the fabric in dresses and slacks is so skimpy these days, especially around the hips and waist, that it's almost impossible to reach my shoelaces! The sizes just don't run the way they used to." She also told the lady she was walking with, "The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually believe the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much!"
You know I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on, but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too. They've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there. All I can do is pass along this warning:
MATURITY IS UNDER ATTACK!
What Would Jesus Drive?
Most people assume WWJD is for "What would Jesus do?" But the initials really stand for (grin) "What would Jesus drive?"
One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because "the Bible says God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury." But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Lord to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm."
Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' followers are warned not to go up a mountain "until the Ram's horn sounds a long blast."
Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd, "For I did not speak of my own Accord... " Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that "the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills."
Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler: "Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land."
And, following the Master's lead, the Apostles car pooled in a Honda... "The Apostles were in one Accord."
One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because "the Bible says God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury." But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Lord to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm."
Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' followers are warned not to go up a mountain "until the Ram's horn sounds a long blast."
Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd, "For I did not speak of my own Accord... " Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that "the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills."
Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler: "Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land."
And, following the Master's lead, the Apostles car pooled in a Honda... "The Apostles were in one Accord."
Monday, January 4, 2016
Boys and Girls Are Not The Same
Boys and girls are not born the same. Now that's not exactly a great revelation, but here are some cute comments about the differences; for your amusement.
- You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose. You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it.
- You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she'll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he'll somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the church, even if you're driving there.
- Boys' rooms are usually messy. Girls' rooms are usually messy, except it's a good smelling mess.
- A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a tool.
- When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their appendages.
- Boys couldn't care less if their hair is unruly. If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be seen in public.
- Baby girls find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively start painting their face. Baby boys find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively start painting the walls.
- If a girl accidently burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy accidently burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches.
- Boys grow their fingernails long because they're too lazy to cut them. Girls grow their fingernails long - not because they look nice - but because they can dig them into a boy's arm.
- Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.
- By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses. By the age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad kisses unless he bribes them with candy.
- Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they learn how to make machine-gun noises.
- Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you turn off the VCR after they've watched a "Pokemon" movie three times in a row.
- Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys.
Pastoral Search Committee
In our search for a suitable pastor, the following scratch sheet was developed for your perusal. Of the candidates investigated by the committee, only one was found to have the necessary qualities. The list contains the names of the candidates and comments on each, should you be interested in investigating them further for future pastoral placements.- Noah: He has 120 years of preaching experience, but no converts.
- Abraham: He took off to Egypt during hard times. We heard that he got into trouble with the authorities and then tried to lie his way out.
- Moses: He stutters; and his former congregation says he loses his temper over trivial things.
- David: He is an unacceptable moral character. He might have been considered for minister of music had he not 'fallen.'
- Solomon: He has a reputation for wisdom but fails to practice what he preaches.
- Elijah: He proved to be inconsistent, and is known to fold under pressure.
- Hosea: His family life is in a shambles. Divorced, and remarried to a prostitute.
- Jeremiah: He is too emotional, alarmist; some say a real 'pain in the neck.'
- Amos: Comes from a farming background. Better off picking figs.
- John: He says he is a Baptist but lacks tact and dresses like a hippie. Would not feel comfortable at a church potluck supper.
- Peter: Has a bad temper, and was heard to have even denied Christ publicly.
- Paul: We found him to lack tact. He is too harsh, His appearance is contemptible, and he preaches far too long.
- Timothy: He has potential, but is much too young for the position.
- Jesus: He tends to offend church members with his preaching, especially Bible scholars. He is also too controversial. He even offended the search committee with his pointed questions.
- Judas: He seemed to be very practical, co-operative, good with money, cares for the poor, and dresses well. We all agreed that he is just the man we are looking for to fill the vacancy as our Senior Pastor.
Thank you for all you have done in assisting us with our pastoral search.
Sincerely, The Pastoral Search Committee.
A Kid's Marriage Plan
A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street.
The father being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.
"That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely?"
"Sure," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get lonely in the night."
"How about transportation?" the father asked.
"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered.
The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.
Finally, in exasperation, the man asked, "What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know."
"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied. "We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!"
A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street.
The father being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.
"That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely?"
"Sure," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get lonely in the night."
"How about transportation?" the father asked.
"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered.
The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.
Finally, in exasperation, the man asked, "What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know."
"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied. "We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!"
Sunday, January 3, 2016
Little Old Ladies
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around.
If he stopped, she stopped.
Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said,
"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease. It's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out . . .
"Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."
The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day,
He went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"How come so much, I only bought 5 items?"
The clerk replied, "Yes, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things too."
MORAL . . . .
Don't trust little Old Ladies!!!
If he stopped, she stopped.
Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said,
"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease. It's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out . . .
"Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."
The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day,
He went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"How come so much, I only bought 5 items?"
The clerk replied, "Yes, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things too."
MORAL . . . .
Don't trust little Old Ladies!!!
Saturday, January 2, 2016
You'll See God Looking Back
Bob perks shares this story:
Standards. Guidelines. Rules.
For some reason we often times just toss them all away when we make everyday decisions.
That's why we need something bigger than ourselves. Something to compare ourselves to every time we are faced with a choice. The obvious is our faith.
"God is bigger than everything," you might say.
If we accept God as the ultimate guide and nothing or no one is bigger than God, why do we still do wrong? Why do we make bad choices? Even knowing that God is present in everything we do, we still do things against God's will.
Without meaning to offend anyone, I suggest that we do it because we can't see God. Of course one can be quick to list a thousand ways God is seen in their life. I agree. But, to me, I do those things because I am not looking him in the eye. We are not face to face.
God knows this, that's why he sends people into my life. People I respect. People He has chosen to look me in the eye with conviction.
I haven't always known this. This revelation came to me recently because I had choices to make.
Without revealing his name or the exact circumstances, I will tell you the basics.
A few years ago God sent him...at just the right time. That's how God works.
We were an unlikely match. Two strangers with two extremely different backgrounds. He knew this was meant to be, I wondered if he was crazy.
Long story short...he became my standard for how I should live my life. He is a Godly man.
Recently while working on a project for him, I suggested that if there was something he didn't like or didn't meet his requirements,he could just drop it.
That's when it happened.
"I know you wouldn't send me anything but the best," he said.
The same expectations of God.
Since then I rate everything I do, on what he would think and whether it was my best.
"You could do more, if you would like," he suggested.
I knew he was just trying to help me. He was paying me for my work. At first I did more, then I thought I was taking advantage of his generosity. I wrote to him to say so.
He never responded.
So, I held back but I could hear his words over and over..."You could do more."
He is not God. But I see God in him and I accept that God sent him.
When I write to my friend, he rarely responds with any more than one or two sentences. He doesn't have to because I know the answer before I ask it.
Like talking with God. We ask, but we know the answer.
I suggest that if you are not surrounded by people who bring out the best in you, you better start looking closer. Your life is filled with them.
The very next time you see a friend, neighbor or family member, look into their eyes.
You will see God looking back.
Friday, January 1, 2016
This Is My Life (Pat 4)
A successful ministry of any nature include those who have served with you along the journey. Men that are able to break you or make you serving on your staff. I was blessed to serve with some of the finest an individual can know.
Larry and Cindy Gartan served as my first youth pastors at Lifespring. We could not pay them much, but oh how they poured themselves into the youth. Their lack of funds never detoured them from the job God wanted them to do and they did it with all of the hearts. We love them like our own children.
Gerald and Cindy Price served us well at LCOG. They did our Children's and Youth Ministries when we were there before. A great couple that drove from Greenwood to assist us in the calling God placed on hear for LCOG. Thanks for the support and prayers all these years.
I hired a couple to work with us at UCOG who is still one of my best friends today. Now pastoring the West Main Street Church in Ware Shoals is the hilariously funny John and Loree Tyson. When I needed a laugh John was always there and could take any situation-serious or stupid-and make me laugh. He became my buddy and I still tell forks until this day they've never heard Ray Hughes until you meet John Tyson. A great family, a great pastor, and a great friend.
Other great men have served with me as well, such as Rodney White (one of the most talented guys I know), Deryk Morgan (pastoring the Elizabeth St. COG in Clinton), Bill Case, who served with me at DCOG and is one of my best friends even today, and Richie Saxon, who is currently serving on staff at LCOG.
I thank God for these men for their assistance along my journey. You guys were the best and I mean that sincerely.
Larry and Cindy Gartan served as my first youth pastors at Lifespring. We could not pay them much, but oh how they poured themselves into the youth. Their lack of funds never detoured them from the job God wanted them to do and they did it with all of the hearts. We love them like our own children.
Gerald and Cindy Price served us well at LCOG. They did our Children's and Youth Ministries when we were there before. A great couple that drove from Greenwood to assist us in the calling God placed on hear for LCOG. Thanks for the support and prayers all these years.
I hired a couple to work with us at UCOG who is still one of my best friends today. Now pastoring the West Main Street Church in Ware Shoals is the hilariously funny John and Loree Tyson. When I needed a laugh John was always there and could take any situation-serious or stupid-and make me laugh. He became my buddy and I still tell forks until this day they've never heard Ray Hughes until you meet John Tyson. A great family, a great pastor, and a great friend.
Other great men have served with me as well, such as Rodney White (one of the most talented guys I know), Deryk Morgan (pastoring the Elizabeth St. COG in Clinton), Bill Case, who served with me at DCOG and is one of my best friends even today, and Richie Saxon, who is currently serving on staff at LCOG.
I thank God for these men for their assistance along my journey. You guys were the best and I mean that sincerely.
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