In everyday courtesy people would ask me how I was doing, I, like most people, would usually say, "I'm okay." But, later I would realize that within myself things were not fine. Then I'd try to work through the feelings that each situation I was facing created. I didn't always share with others my feelings or struggles of those times because I felt I would appear weak and most pastors don't want to appear weak. Yes, I know it's good to vent to a friend once and awhile, but I've learned that I'm better off venting with myself first and acknowledging my feelings or I, like an over-filled balloon, will explode. When I embraced the good and the bad in my life I learned I can work through my struggles and weaknesses much more easily.
It took me a while to figure it out and I still don't have all the answers to some of my questions yet. I'm not advocating living in your problems, but I'm suggesting that you allow yourself to feel and know when your struggling. Life isn't always sunshine and roses and if you try to force yourself into believing that very high, unrealistic expectation, you'll eventually explode! I tried for years to make everyone happy, but I learned you can't please some people. You stress out because you feel like a failure when someone finds you have faults. That's why you've got to let some air out of your balloon once and awhile and give it to God. So now I acknowledge and embrace these parts of myself I once denied. I am not perfect and I have flaws. I allow myself to feel hurt and cry and I turn to God for help and guidance and ask for more strength to overcome the struggles.
My heart as a pastor was ripped apart when I saw good people go thru bad circumstances. I hated to see them suffer and I despised the fear they must have felt when they fell apart spiritually, overwhelmed by their weakness. I'm still not okay with this. It hurt then, and it still hurts a lot today when I think about what some had to face during my pastorates. I found as a pastor I couldn't always be the pillar of strength I was expected to be. I lost it sometimes and that sadness and inability to do something about those situations finally caught up with me health wise. The hardest thing for any pastor to grasp is that we can't always be there without replenishing our resources. We don't have unlimited strength. We need time alone to embrace ourselves and our needs as well. We have to re-charge our batteries so that we can be there for others as much as we can. I had to recognize that I could not do it alone. I was not meant to be the 'Energizer Bunny' because I am human and not God.
Several years ago when I was pastoring in Union I walked in the nursing home to see one of my precious members who was a patient. She had ants crawling all over her and her bed. You could see a trail of them coming from her window and climbing up the rails of her bed and onto her. I brushed as many away as I could and rushed out into the hall to get a nurse to see the situation. This lady was not neglected by her family, but required the nursing home due to her physical/mental condition. Yet, she was helpless in defending herself against this pestilence. I still have nightmares about this from time to time. I reported it to her family, to the nursing staff, and the administration, but that was all I was able to do. I wanted so desperately to do more, but all I could do was what I had done. I learned during my time as a pastor that I couldn't save the world and everybody in it, that I couldn't get everyone to like me, but I could do my very best to make the world better, even with my limitations.
When life gets too heavy, it doesn't mean you're weak if you admit it. It took a long time for me to get there. Even tears don't equate to weakness. They are God's way of allowing you to cleanse your soul. I always had this idea that if you can't handle things, you're ill-prepared. That's nuts! That's what God is for-to help us in our weaknesses to become rejuvenated, renewed, and revived.
So, don't be afraid to let the air out of your balloon and cry if you have to. Help if you feel it's needed, but are afraid of doing it. Voice a complaint if you have one. Allow yourself to be human. Let yourself know that you need to recharge once in a while and accept the fact that it's okay to let the injustices you see bother you. More importantly, do something about them if you can. Accept that you get tired and need to nurture yourself, too. If you're running around caring for others, know that it's draining and that there's only so much you can take before your balloon starts to fill too much. Don't punish yourself for needing rest. REST! Let go of the guilt. Guilt fills balloons very quickly. If a balloon has the right amount of air in it, it's beautiful, light, floating, colorful and vibrant. If it's deflated or burst it's no good. Deflate sometimes so you can inflate even greater.
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