How Do I Forgive?

How Do I Forgive? As the Nike ad says, "Just Do It!" There is no magic formula. It takes more effort to restore a relationship. That's why Peter urged, "Work hard at living in peace with others." But when you work for peace, you are doing what God would do. That's why God calls 'peacemakers' his children in Matthew 5:9. Here are seven Biblical steps to restoring a relationship (fellowship):

1. Talk to God before talking to the person. Discuss the problem with God. If you will pray about the conflict first, instead of gossiping about it to a friend, you will often discover that either God changes your heart or he changes the other person without your help. All your relationships would go smoother if you just pray more about them. Tell God your frustrations. Cry out to him. He's never surprised or upset by your anger, hurt, insecurity, or any other emotions. So tell him exactly how you feel. Much conflict is rooted in unmet needs. Some of these needs can only be met by God. No 'one' person can meet all of your needs except God.

2. Always take the initiative. It doesn't matter whether you are the offender or the offended: God expects you to make the first move. Don't wait for the other party. Go to them first. Restoring relationships is so important, Jesus commanded that it even take priority over group worship.  Don't procrastinate, make excuses, or get around to it someday. Delay only deepens resentment and makes matters worse. In conflict, time heals nothing; it causes hurts to fester. Acting quickly also reduces the spiritual damage to you. The Bible says sin, including unresolved conflict, blocks our fellowship with God and keeps our prayers from being answered, besides making us miserable (1 Peter 3:7; Proverbs 28:9).

3. Sympathize with their feelings. Use your ears more than your mouth. Before attempting to solve any disagreement you must first listen to people's feelings. Don't try to talk people out of how they feel at first. Just listen and let them unload emotionally without being defensive. In fact, resentment makes us act and think in foolish ways. David admitted, "When my thoughts were bitter and my feelings were hurt, I was as stupid as an animal." We all act beastly when hurt. Listening says, "I value your opinion, I care about our relationship, and you matter more." People don't care what we know until they know we care.

4. Confess your part of the conflict. If you are serious about restoring a relationship, you should begin with admitting your own mistakes and sin. Jesus said in Matthew 7:5, "First get rid of the log from your own eye; then perhaps you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend's eye." Since we all have blind spots, you may need to ask a third party to help you evaluate your own actions before meeting with the person with whom you have a conflict. Also, ask God to show you how much of the problem is your fault. Ask, Am I the problem? Am I being unrealistic, insensitive, or too sensitive? Confession is a powerful tool for reconciliation. When you begin by humbly admitting your mistakes, it defuses the other person's anger and disarms their attack because they were probably expecting you to be defensive. Don't make excuses or shift blame; just honestly own up to any part you have played in the conflict.

5. Attack the problem - not the person. You cannot fix the problem is you're consumed with blame. You will never get your point across by being cross, so choose your words wisely. A soft answer is always better than a sarcastic one. In revolving conflict, 'how' you say something is as important as 'what' you say. Nagging never works. You are never persuasive when you are abrasive. Paul said "Do not use harmful words, but only helpful words, the kind that build up and provide what is needed, so that what you say will do good to those who hear you".

6. Cooperate as much as possible. Paul said, "Do everything possible on your part to live in peace with everybody." Peace always has a price tag. Sometimes it costs our pride; it often costs our self-centeredness. "You're blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That's when you discover who you really are, and your place in God's family." -- Matthew 5:9

7. Emphasize reconciliation, not resolution. It is unrealistic to expect everyone to agree about everything. Reconciliation focuses on the relationship, while resolution focuses on the problem. When we focus on reconciliation, the problem loses significance and often becomes irrelevant. We can reestablish a relationship even when we are unable to resolve our differences. We can disagree without being disagreeable (agree to disagree). We can walk arm-in-arm without seeing eye-to-eye on every issue. This doesn't mean you give up on finding a solution, but at lest you can defuse the situation.

You can choose to live in bitterness and with scars or you can choose to forgive. It's really all up to you. You can forgive and move on, but it takes a willing heart and a lot of help from God. Is that what you want with your life?