Shame-based reactions are implemented to avoid dealing with the root issue of shame. We disguise and distort our shame and cloak it in new vocabulary until we often do not recognize these responses as protective devices designed to avoid self-confrontation. This list shares some common reactions to shame:
-The term "scapegoating" comes from an Old Testament practice involving the blood sacrifice for sin. Leviticus 16 describes how the High Priest of Israel selected and sacrificed animals for the sin offering. At the climax of the ceremony he laid his hands on the head of a live goat, confessed all the iniquities of Israel over it, and the animal was then led away into the wilderness symbolically bearing the sins of the people. Through this practice the word "scapegoating" entered our vocabulary as a method of avoiding shame or guilt by projecting it onto someone or something else.
Blame is a cover up for shame and a way to pass it on to others. You reduce your own feelings of shame by putting down and criticizing someone else. Adam blamed his sin on "the woman You gave me" in Genesis 3:12. In blaming our God-given circumstances, environment, or relationships, we are in reality saying that the blame rests with God. Couples blame affairs on the lack of attention of one for the other. In doing so they attempt to justify their wrongdoing through blame.
-Because shame portrays you as inferior, you may constantly attempt to prove your worth by being a perfectionist. You must always be right, you cover up your own errors, and critically shame others who blunder.
Perfectionism goes beyond simple excellence or pride in performance. It is a driving, controlling force and no matter how hard you try you never quite measure up to the standards you set. Because of this predisposition to failure, perfectionism fosters additional shame and leads to judging, moralizing, and criticizing others who fall short of your arbitrary standards.
You can become so preoccupied with perfectionism that you miss the positive benefits generated by mistakes. Remember, mistakes are a form of feedback. Every error tells you what you need to correct. You can become so preoccupied with defending yourself against the inner critical voices that you miss the opportunity to heed the warning of the mistake.
-There is a long history of people who mutilated their bodies, committed suicide, or punished themselves in other ways to atone for their shame.
Self-punishment is the voice of shame saying, "You don't deserve to be happy." In its acute stage, self-punishment ends in suicide when the internal voice of shame becomes so loud that all voices of hope are drowned out and the only answer to your pain is to end it all. Self-punishment stemming from shame actually causes neurotic illness. In fact, when guilt has been pushed into the distorted forms of repressed memory (such as shame), it may return through the disguised as asthma, migraine headaches, peptic ulcers, and other psychosomatic illnesses. We punish ourselves, so to speak, with physical pain.
-Defensive people are extremely sensitive to criticism or the suggestion of personal blame. They are argumentative, and always must be right. Shame-based people interpret criticism of what they do into a judgment of who they are. They confuse their "do" with their "who".
A defensive person tries to exonerate himself because if he cannot do so then he is forced to admit his own inadequacies. Instead of confronting his shame and dealing with it, he constantly defends his actions, position, and reasoning.
-Patronizing is a very subtle way of deferring your shame. On the surface, you seem to help another person by support and encouragement, but in reality you have a condescending attitude which defers your own shame by shaming them.
-A shame-based person attempts to control other people’s thoughts, feelings, and actions to insure that no one can ever shame him again. In many families this control results in suppression of true feelings. There is no honest feedback, emotional growth is hindered, and shame is further perpetrated.
In its extreme form, such control results in physical and emotional abuse, for if you are an abuser then those you abuse have no power to shame you. This may be one reason many who are abused as children later become abusive parents.
-Arrogance also is a psychological cover-up for shame. The arrogant, self-righteous person hides his true self from others and in so doing, hides from himself.
The Old Testament story of Abner and Saul's son, Ishbosheth, illustrates this arrogant, self-righteous, self-justifying, shame-based response. Abner initially took King Saul's side in the conflict with David, and after his death supported his son Ishbosheth.
As circumstances deteriorated in the conflict with David, Ishbosheth, confronted Abner regarding his conduct with one of his concubines. The scripture does not say whether Abner was guilty or not, but by his response against Ishbosheth Abner was trying to justify his own sinful conduct. He had joined Ishbosheth in rebellion against David, who he knew to be God's choice for king.
The Pharisees and Sadducees of New Testament times exemplified similar self-righteousness. They gave, prayed, and fasted to be seen of men and demanded that others abide by their oppressive standards. "I thank you that I am not as this poor sinner," said one proud Pharisee who witnessed a poor sinner's prayer. His arrogance cloaked his own guilt and shame in a disguise of religious self-righteousness.
-Shame is the core and fuel for all addictive behavior. The content of the addiction, whether it be an ingestive or activity, is an attempt at an intimate relationship. Each addictive acting out creates life-damaging consequences which create more shame. The new shame fuels the cycle of addiction.
-A shame-based person does not value himself and he lacks respect for others. This leads to contempt, anger, retaliation, and rage. If a person with internalized aggression also acquires power, then it results in violence and criminal behavior.
-A shame-based person sometimes will alienate himself by self-imposed isolation. Such behavior may be disguised by explanations such as "I am very reserved" or "I am a private person." In reality, the withdrawal is an attempt to conceal shame. In its ultimate form, such alienation results in living life as a recluse from society.
In New Testament times the Pharisees and Sadducees learned they could not keep the law of God themselves, so they became self-righteous, demanding, critical leaders. They formulated hundreds of detailed rules which they tacked on to their religion. Their rituals emanated from the shame-base of their own failures as evidenced in the story of the woman caught in
adultery. They brought her to Jesus, quoting their law that prescribed she should die for her sin. We find them quietly slinking away when Jesus said, "Let him without sin cast the first stone."
The religious rituals of the Pharisees and Sadducees were attempts to conceal their own shame but, as God's Word declares, there are no gifts, sacrifices, or rituals that can rid the conscience of the shame of sin. Only the blood of Jesus can wipe away the consequences of shame.
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