When shame establishes control in your life, it programs your internal faculties to think in terms of "shame-based thinking." This distorted reasoning may include any or all of the following:
-Shame declares, "You can tell they don't like you. You don't fit in. They think you aren't good enough." This makes you paranoid constantly interpreting events as personally threatening. It also creates expectations of ultimate betrayal by friends.
-Shame-based people relate everything to themselves. When your mate says he is tired, shame says "Yeah...he is tired of you...that's the problem!" Shame causes you to constantly compare yourself to others and, when you seem to fall short, this generates more shame.
-Shame distorts your thinking. One mistake means, "I'll never learn how to do this." Generalization leads to declarations such as "Why can't I ever get it right? No one cares about me." This results in "either/or" thinking. If you are not brilliant, then you must be stupid. There is no middle ground. Words like "all, everyone, no one, always" signal such shame-based generalization. Shame-based mentality views a simple misdemeanor as a capital offense.
-A shame-based person constantly rationalizes their behavior. They excuse, explain, and justify so they do not have to deal with their shame. On the other hand, they may also do good works to try to neutralize their shame and rationalize that they aren’t such a bad person.
-Another attempt to deal with shame is repressing or denying the incidents that produced it. King David learned that this doesn't work too well. He said:
Psalm 32:3, 4 “When I kept silent, my bones grew old, Through my groaning all the day long. For day and night, Your hand was heavy upon me...”
Denial also leads to the submersion of terrible secrets.
-Shame's voice replays repeatedly in your mind like an old record stuck in a groove. It says, "You should have done this...You ought to have done that." Phrases like " I should have" and "if I'd only" are signals of shame's accusations.
Condemnation is different from the conviction of the Holy Spirit. Conviction is specific, focusing on a particular sin and eliciting godly sorrow which leads to confession and repentance. Condemnation is generalized. It declares you convicted, censured, and hopeless without remedy. Jesus declared in John 3:17, 18:
“For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved. He who believes in Him is not condemned.”
-Shame declares you a victim of circumstances. You view yourself as controlled by other people, your hopeless addictions, bad luck, or fate. You mentally surrender to this helplessness and accept a shamed existence as your destiny.
-Some people attempt to deal with shame by letting "their conscience be their guide," as the old saying goes. They allow themselves to be governed by a set of internal morals, principles, and standards. This is dangerous because your conscience is influenced by society, education, your parents, and peers and these influences can all be wrong. They may condone lying, stealing, cheating, and even killing, resulting in a conscience that is shameless. The forces of society, training, parents, and peers can also create a "shame- based" conscience by constantly reinforcing that you are a bad person.
You cannot trust an unregenerate conscience to "be your guide" because it is nourished by environment and experience instead of the Holy Spirit. Only through the blood of Jesus can a shameful conscience be absolved:
Hebrews 10:22 "Let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water."
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