A Mother's Dictionary

1. ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. 
   
   
2. BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning. 
   
   
3. COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. 
   
   
4. DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting. 
   
   
5. EMPTY NEST: See "WISHFUL THINKING." 
   
   
6. FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew. 
   
   
7. GUM: Adhesive for the hair. 
   
   
8. HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers. 
   
   
9. INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. 
   
   
10. JUNK: Dad's stuff. 
    
    
11. KISS: Mom's medicine. 
    
    
12. LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of 15 cents. 
    
    
13. MAYBE: No. 
    
    
14. NAIL POLISH: part of an assortment of make-up items such as lipstick, eyeliner, blush etc. which ironically make Mom look better while making her young daughter look "like a tramp." 
    
    
15. OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad. 
    
    
16. PANIC: What a mother goes through when the darn wind-up swing stops. 
    
    
17. QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college. 
    
    
18. REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the kitchen. 
    
    
19. SPOILED ROTTEN: What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with Grandma. 
    
    
20. TOWELS: See "FLOOR COVERINGS". 
    
    
21. UNDERWEAR: An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures the wearer will never have an accident. 
    
    
22. VACATION: Where you take the family to get away from it all, only to find it there, too. 
    
    
23. WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room. 
    
    
24. XOXOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying. 
    
    
25. "YIPPEE!": What mother's shout the first day of school. 
    
    
26. ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.