True Welfare Statements

Sentences taken from actual letters received by the Welfare department, from applications for aid and assistance.

1. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I have seven but one died and was baptized on half sheet of paper.
   
2. I am writing to the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?
   
3. Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy.
   
4. I cannot get sick pay. I have six children, can you tell me why?
   
5. I am glad to report that my husband who was reported missing is dead.
   
6. This is my eighth child, what are you going to do about it?
   
7. Please find for certain if my husband is dead, the man I am living with can't eat or do anything until he finds out.
   
8. I am very annoyed that you have branded my son illiterate, as this is a lie. I was married to his father a week before he was born.
   
9. In answer to your letter I have given birth to a boy weighing ten lbs. I hope this is satisfactory.
   
10. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my three children, one of which was a mistake as you can see.
    
11. My husband had his project cut off two weeks ago, and I haven't had any relief since.
    
12. Unless I get my money soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.
    
13. You have changed my little boy to a little girl. Will this make any difference?
    
14. I haven't had children as yet as my husband is a bus driver and works day and night.
    
15. In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.
    
16. I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and this doesn't seem to do me any good. If things don't improve I will be forced to send for another doctor.
    
17. It is true I am a bachelor and have deducted for two children. But please believe me when I say it was an accident.
    
18. Please excuse the condition of my messy form. I really should have been more careful.
    
19. I am a vermin destroyer but have not earned anything for some months. I shall be glad to call on you at your convenience.
    
20. Please send me a claim form as I have had a baby. I had one before but it got dirty and I burned it.
    
21. I cannot pay the full amount at the moment as my husband is in hospital. As soon as I can I will send on the remains.
    
22. Please correct this assessment. I have not worked for the past three months as I have broken my leg. Hoping you will do the same

Facts About Men (Part 2)

1.  All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
2. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
   
3. Men love gadgets and lots of it. My husband has practically everything from Sharper Image. Name it, he has it, but does he need all of them - I didn't think so.
   
4. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.
   
5. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
   
6. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.
   
7. All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.
   
8. Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.
   
9. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
   
10. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to your husband. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
    
11. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say, "Oh, my, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
    
12. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door

Last In Line

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck and everyone inside dies. When they get to meet their maker, because of the grief they have experienced, He decides to grant them one wish each before they enter Heaven.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what their wish is. "I want to be gorgeous." So God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says, "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. By the time there are only ten people left, this one guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.

Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again."

So, the next time you are last in line.......smile!

You Know You Are a Bad Cook When...

1. You use the smoke alarm as a cooking timer.
   
2. You consider it a culinary success if the pop-tart stays in one piece.
   
3. Your dog goes to the neighbors' to eat.
   
4. Your family buys Alka Seltzer and Kaopectate in bulk.
   
5. When you barbecue, two of your kids hold water guns and the third stands ready by the phone with 911 on speed-dial.
   
6. Your family automatically heads for the dinner table every time they hear a fire truck siren.
   
7. The EPA insists that all your garbage cans be marked with biohazard symbols.
   
8. Your microwave display reads "TILT!"
   
9. Your two best recipes are meatloaf and apple pie, but your dinner guests can't tell which is which.
   
10. Your pie filling bubbles over and eats the enamel off the bottom of the oven.
    
11. You've used three boxes of scouring pads and a bottle of Drano and a crowbar, and that macaroni and cheese still won't let go of the pan.
    
12. Pest control companies keep pestering you for your recipes.
    
13. You make tuna noodle surprise and the surprise is that it glows in the dark and melts the silverware.
    
14. Your family prays AFTER they eat!
    

Happiness Is

When one door of happiness closes another opens. Yet often times we look so long at the closed door that we don't see the one which has been opened for us.

-Happiness is a friend you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've every had.

- Happiness is love. It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives. Giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they'll love you back!

-Happiness does not always expect love in return, but waits for it to grow in other's hearts. If it doesn't, be content it grew in yours. It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone, but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.

-Happiness is not based on looks because they can deceive. Nor on wealth because that can fade away. Go for someone who makes you smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright.  Find the one that makes your heart smile.

-Happiness are moments in life when you miss someone so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real!

-Happiness is ahead for those who cry, those who hurt, those who have searched, and those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of people who have touched their lives. Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss and ends with a tear.

Dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do.

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, enough hope to make you happy. Always put yourself in others' shoes. If you feel that it hurts you, it probably hurts the other person, too. The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.

The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past, you can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches. When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.

A Pastor's Lament

• If I express myself on a subject, I'm trying to run things.
  
• If I'm silent, I'm dumb or have lost interest.
  
• If I'm often at my office (preparing messages or studying), why don't I get out and learn what's going on.
  
• If I'm out when they call, why am I not tending to business, or studying for a message.
  
• If I'm not at home at night, I'm out having a good time.
  
• If I'm home, I'm neglecting important outside contacts and activities.
  
• If I don't agree with persons, I'm bullheaded.
  
• If I do agree, I don't have any ideas of my own.
  
• If I don't do what I'm requested, I'm a very poor pastor or minister.
  
• If I do agree, well, that's what I'm paid for.
  
• If I give someone a short answer, I'm "too big for my britches."
  
• If I attempt to explain the pros and cons of an issue, I'm a know-it-all.
  
• If I'm well dressed, I think I'm a big shot.
  
• If I'm not, I'm a poor representative of my office.
  
• If I'm on the job a short time, I'm inexperienced.
  
• If I've been there a long time, It's time for a change.

(Just a joke, but quite a lot of truth in it!)

Gumpism's For Christians

Life is not like a box of chocolates, but about the choices we make each day.

-We can choose to love or we can choose to be afraid.

-We can choose to help or we can choose to turn away.

-We can choose to forgive or we can choose to hate.

-We can choose to be kind or we can choose to be cruel.
-We can choose to trust or we can choose to be suspicious.

-We can choose to give or we can choose to take.

-We can choose to serve or we can choose to be selfish.

-We can choose to laugh or we can choose to sulk.

-We can choose to cry or we can choose to hide our hearts.

-We can choose to smile or we can choose to stress.

-We can choose to be at peace or we can choose to be at war within ourselves.

-We can choose to live or we can choose to just exist.

-We can choose to believe God loves us or we can choose to live in doubt.

-We can choose to shine our light or we can choose to live in darkness.

-We can choose to make this world more like Heaven or we can choose to make this world more like Hell.