True or False

1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
2. Alfred Hitchcock did not have a bellybutton.
3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 yrs.
4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.
5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!
6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.
7. 40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
8. Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.
9. The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
11. The average housefly lives for one month.
12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.
16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
17. The REAL reason an ostrich sticks its head in the sand is to search for water.
18. The only 2 animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the Rabbit and the Parrot.
19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie".
20. Michael Jackson owned the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.
21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used instead of real milk.
22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER traveled on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.
23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.
24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are reused in vein transplant surgery.
25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.
26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be Green.

Answers: All of the above are true.  Don't you just love number sixteen?

Elevator Rules

There are un-written rules that everyone who rides elevators follow whether they know it or not. It's not something that anyone has placed into effect by law. . . . It's just the way things are. . . .

1. When you are waiting for an elevator and there are two sets, the one that is the greatest distance from you will open first.
2. While you are riding the elevator, it is not permissible to look anyone in the eyes. The proper place to stare is at the floor or at the numbers.
3. The person at the very back of the elevator will always be the one who needs off first.
4. If you are on the top floor of a 32 story building and needed to go the 1st floor, the elevator will stop 31 times before you reach the ground.
5. If you get off on the wrong floor and realize it the instant your foot hits the ground outside the elevator, it's much too embarrassing to admit you are wrong, so you stay outside the door and act like you know what you're doing then catch the next one and hope all the people you were with have gotten off.
6. When there are six elevator doors, the one you stand in front of will be the last to open.
7. When the elevator is the most full, one of two people will be on with you: an extremely sick man who coughs constantly and then gets off on the same floor you do, or a lady with a baby that screams through the entire ride.
8. Don't pass gas in an elevator even if you are all alone because when you do, the very next stop will have ten people waiting to get on. It's always best to wait until the elevator is full then no one knows who to blame.
9. If you speak to a stranger in an elevator there will always be nervous laughter.
10. The friendliest person on the elevator that insists on talking to you will always have bad breath and body odor.
11. Elevators force us to be close to people that we would never choose to be around otherwise. If you want a cultural experience, spend a day riding elevators around town.
12. The first person to get on the elevator gets the command position next to the buttons so that they can feel important when people ask them to punch their floor for them.
13. While waiting on an elevator, there will always be one person to comment on how slow the elevator is and then push the up or down button over and over as if that will make it speed up.
14. Once inside the elevator that same person will repeatedly punch the button for their floor thinking that this also will speed up the elevator.
15. On top of the list of the most annoying elevator pet peeves is the parent who will allow their child to push the buttons and then smile at you after the kid has pushed all 26 buttons while you are on the first floor needing to get to the 25th floor. Then at every floor the kid will yell "Is this where we get off?"
16. The floor that is labeled the 1st floor is not really the 1st floor but is in reality the basement. The 1st floor is actually labeled the 2nd floor.
17. If you are not in any hurry, there will always be an empty elevator just waiting with the doors open just for you by yourself.
18. In buildings where smoking is allowed, there will always be one person who insist on taking the last drag off their cigarette putting it out then waiting to exhale until the elevator door closes with you trapped inside.
19. If a child rides the elevator, they will have a balloon that just happens to be at your face level and there is no place to turn. Popping the balloon is a strong temptation.
20. I would rather ride the elevator with people than take the stairs alone

Church Exercises

Physical exercise is good for you. I know that I should do it daily, but my body doesn't always want me to do too much. So after 44 years of pastoring I have worked out this program of activities that do not require excessive physical exercise. These are exercises I learned from the members of the various churches I pastored:

1. Beating around the bush
   
2. Jumping to conclusions
   
3. Climbing the walls
   
4. Swallowing my pride
   
5. Passing the buck
   
6. Throwing my weight around
   
7. Dragging my heels
   
8. Pushing my luck
   
9. Making mountains out of molehills
   
10. Hitting the nail on the head
    
11. Wading through paperwork
    
12. Bending over backwards
    
13. Jumping on the bandwagon
    
14. Balancing the books
    
15. Running around in circles
    
16. Eating crow
    
17. Tooting my own horn
    
18. Climbing the ladder of success
    
19. Pulling out the stops
    
20. Adding fuel to the fire
    
21. Opening a can of worms
    
22. Putting my foot in my mouth
    
23. Starting the ball rolling
    
24. Going over the edge
    
25. Picking up the pieces

Happy Exercising ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

The Animal Super Bowl

During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing the little animals and at half time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.

At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.

The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?"

"I did" said the centipede.

"Who stopped the rhino?"

"Uh, that was me too" said the centipede.

"And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?"

"Well, that was me as well," said the centipede.

"SO WHERE WERE YOU THE FIRST HALF?" demanded the coach.

"Well" said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."

First Kiss

At the end of their first date, a young man takes his favorite girl home. Emboldened by the night, he decides to try for that important first kiss.

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her, "Darling, how 'bout a goodnight kiss?"

Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"

"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

"Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

"No way. It's just too risky!"

"Oh please, please, I like you so much!!"

"No, no, and no. I like you too, but I just can't!"

"Oh yes you can. Please?"

"NO, no. I just can't."

"Pleeeeease? . . ."

Out of the blue, the porch light goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled. In a sleepy voice the sister says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for crying out loud tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!"

The Engineering Test

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company.   They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."

"And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct,"  asked the rejected applicant.

"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager.

"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.

"Simple," said the Department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"

Three Tough Mice

Three mice are sitting at a table in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."

The second mouse replies, "Yeah, well, when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.

The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this. I've got a date with the cat."