The Senility Prayer -- Getting Older

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm 'older' here are 16 things I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
   
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
   
3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
   
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
   
5. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
   
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
   
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
   
8. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
   
9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
   
10. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
    
11. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
    
12. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
    
13. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
    
14. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
    
15. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
    
16. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.
    

I CAN'T REMEMBER IF I TOLD YOU THIS BEFORE OR NOT, AND DOUBT IF YOU CAN EITHER.

Things you're glad you didn't hear during surgery . . . .

I have listened to doctors over the years share the news with family members about a loved one who has just come through surgery. I also have had my share of those these last few years and even remember telling the doctor not to start the surgery until I went to sleep only to wake up in the recovery room. I can barely remember hearing the doctor and his assistants talking in the operating room, but in saying that I am glad I did not hear some of these things while I was lying on the operating table. These are things you're glad you didn't hear during surgery.

-Wait a minute, if that's his spleen, then what's this?


-Hand me that...uh...that uh...thingie.


-Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?


-Could you stop that thing from beating? It's bothering my concentration.

-What's this doing here?


-I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.


-Somebody call the janitor -- we're going to need a mop.

-I sure wish I had my glasses.


-Well folks, this will be an experiment for us all.


-Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.


-Sterile, shmerile. The floor's clean enough.


-What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?!

-Anyone see where I left my scalpel?


-Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?


-What do you mean you want a divorce?!

Sincerity

The Wall Street Journal once printed a little piece titled "Sincerity." It is one of my favorites and reads something like this: 
I wish I were...

-big enough honestly to admit all my shortcomings;

-brilliant enough to accept praise without it making me arrogant;

-tall enough to tower above deceit;

-strong enough to welcome criticism;

-compassionate enough to understand human frailties;

-wise enough to recognize my mistakes;

-humble enough to appreciate greatness;

-staunch enough to stand by my friends;

-human enough to be thoughtful of my neighbor;

-and righteous enough to be devoted to the love of God.

I am really not all that strong. I don't always act with courage. I am certainly not as brilliant as others, as charming or as wise. But today I can be me. And when I lie down tonight, I'll sleep easy knowing it will have been enough.

When I am sincere, there's nothing to hide. I am just me. It's something I can't fake. And if I'm the best me that I can be, then what can I be that is any better?

Butterball Turket Hot-line

Over the years, the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line staff have had their share of memorable calls -- inquiries that stand out from the crowd because they're heartwarming or amusing. We asked some of the veteran staff members to tell us their favorites plus, we rounded up a bunch of our own personal favorites from the Talk-Line archives. It's hard to beat the call from a trucker who planned to cook his Thanksgiving turkey on the engine of his truck ("Will it cook faster if I drive faster?"), but some of these come pretty close. Warning: do not attempt to adjust your screen -- these are real incidents, true stories -- from the front lines!
Home alone, a Kentucky woman was in the doghouse when she called the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line. While preparing the turkey, her Chihuahua jumped into the bird's body cavity and couldn't get out. She tried pulling the dog and shaking the bird, but nothing worked. She and the dog became more and more distraught. After calming the woman down, the Talk-Line home economist suggested carefully cutting the opening in the cavity of the turkey wider. It worked and Fido was freed!

Birdie, eagle and turkey? Roasting a turkey doesn't have to interfere with the daily routine, so said a retired Floridian. He called "Turkey Central" for turkey grilling tips while waiting to tee off from the 14th hole.

Taking turkey preparation an extra step, a Virginian wondered, "How do you thaw a fresh turkey?" The Talk-Line staffer explained that fresh turkeys aren't frozen and don't need to be thawed.

Don't wait until the last minute! On Thanksgiving Day, a Georgian woman took the "Be prepared" motto to heart. She had just agreed to host Thanksgiving Dinner and called the Talk-Line a year ahead of time for turkey tips.

Happy Thanksgiving, President Obama! A Southern woman called to comment, "On Thanksgiving Day, the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line is more important than the President. He can take the day off, but the Talk- Line staff can't." (The Butterball Turkey Talk-Line is open Thanksgiving Day, 6 a.m. to 6 p.m., Central Standard Time.)

Tofu turkey? No matter how you slice it, Thanksgiving just isn't Thanksgiving without turkey. A restaurant owner in California wanted to know how to roast a turkey for a vegetarian menu.

White meat, anyone? A West Coast woman took turkey preparation to extremes by scrubbing her bird with bleach. Afterward, she called the Talk-Line to find out how to clean off the bleach. To her dismay, she was advised to dispose of the turkey.

A young girl called on behalf of her mother who needed roasting advice. To provide approximate roasting times, the home economist asked what size the turkey was. Without asking her mother the little girl paused, then replied, "Medium."

A novice turkey-cooking chef wanted to know if the yellow netting and wrapper around the turkey should be removed before roasting. Envisioning a melted plastic turkey blob, the home economist responded, "Yes," then offered complete roasting directions.

Thanksgiving Dinner on the run. A woman called 1-800-323-4848 to find out how long it would take to roast her turkey. To answer the question, the Talk-Line home economist asked how much the bird weighed. The woman responded, "I don't know, it's still running around outside."

Take A Moment To Give Thanks

Lord Jesus:
We thank thee for food and remember the hungry.
We thank thee for health and remember the sick.
We thank thee for friends and remember the friendless.
We thank thee for freedom and remember the enslaved.
May these remembrances stir us to service,
that thy gifts to us may be used for others.

Amen.

Since today is Thanksgiving, take just a moment to reflect upon all of the things for which you are thankful.

-How's your health? Not so good? Well, thank God you've lived this long. A lot of people haven't. You're hurting? Thousands -- maybe millions -- are hurting even more.

-If you awakened this morning able to hear the birds sing, use your vocal cords to utter human sounds, walk to the breakfast table on two good legs, and read the newspaper with two good eyes, praise the Lord! A lot of people couldn't.

-How's your pocketbook? Thin? Well, most of the world is a lot poorer. No pensions, no welfare. No food stamps, no Social Security. In fact, one-third of the people in the world will go to bed hungry tonight.

-Are you lonely? The way to have a friend is to be one. If nobody calls you, pick up the phone and call someone.

-Are you concerned about our country's future? Hooray! Our system has been saved by such concern. Our country may not be a rose garden, but neither is it a patch of weeds.

Freedom rings! Look and listen. You can worship at the church of your choice, cast a secret ballot, and you can even criticize your government without fearing a knock on the head or a knock on the door at midnight. And if you want to live under a different system, you are free to go. There are no walls or fences -- nothing to keep you here.

A final thought: Want an instant high? The surest cure for the holiday blues is doing something nice for someone. Why not call a person who lives alone and invite him or her to share dinner?

Better yet, call and say, "I'm coming to get you, and I'll see that you get home." (Some older people don't drive, and those who do may not like to be behind the wheel after dark.)

Try it and give thanks for everything He has blessed you with.
Happy Thanksgiving!

Marriage Instructions

MARRIAGE EXPECTATIONS:   A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.   A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

MARRIAGE DECISIONS:   Men marry because they are tired.   Women marry because they are curious.   Both are disappointed.

MARRIAGE AND THE FUTURE:   A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband,   A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

CHILDREN:   A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.   A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

SUCCESS:   A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.   A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

STYLE: Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

MONEY MANAGEMENT: A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one dollar item he wants.   A woman will pay one dollar for a two dollar item that she doesn't want.

THE BATTLE:   A woman always has the last word in any argument.   Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

MEMORIES:   A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her.   A man cherishes the memory of the woman who he didn't marry.

MISTAKES:   Any married man should forget his mistakes - no use two people remembering the same thing.

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN:   There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

WHAT A WOMAN WANTS:   Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy...   One is to let her think she is having her own way.   The other is to let her have it.

LONGEVITY:   Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

HAPPINESS:   To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little.   To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Truths From Little Children

No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.

If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.

Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

Dogs still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.

Never hold a Dustbuster and a cat at the same time.

School lunches stick to the wall.

You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

The best place to be when your sad is in Grandma's lap.

Moms get mad when you cut your own bangs.

Never put chewed gum in your pocket without a wrapper

Moms gets even madder when you let your friend cut your bangs.

Putting crayons in the microwave or the clothes dryer is a no-no.

It's not a good idea to shine the bathroom floor with Vaseline.

You can never put toothpaste back in the tube.

[ Author Unknown -- from 'Aiken Drum' (AIKENSLongJoke@topica.com) ]