Speak English Properly

1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
   
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
   
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
   
5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat)
   
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
   
7. Be more or less specific.
   
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
   
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
   
10. No sentence fragments.
    
11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
    
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
    
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
    
14. One should NEVER generalize.
    
15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
    
16. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
    
17. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
    
18. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
    
19. The passive voice is to be ignored.
    
20. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
    
21. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
    
22. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
    
23. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth-shaking ideas.
    
24. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
    
25. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
    
26. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
    
27. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
    
28. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
    
29. Who needs rhetorical questions?
    
30. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
    
    And the last one...
    
31. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Grandparents

-Grandmas are moms with lots of frosting.

-What a bargain grandchildren are! I give them my loose change, and they give me a million dollars' worth of pleasure for it.

-Grandmothers are just 'antique' little girls.

-Perfect love sometimes does not come until the first grandchild.

-A grandmother is a babysitter who watches the kids instead of the television.

-Never have children, only grandchildren.

-Becoming a grandmother is wonderful. One moment you're just a mother. The next you are all-wise and prehistoric.

-Grandchildren don't stay young forever, which is good because Grandfathers have only so many horsy rides in them.

-When grandpa enters the door, discipline flies out the window.

-Grandma always made you feel she had been waiting to see just you all day and now the day was complete.

-Grandmas never run out of hugs or cookies.

-Grandmas hold our tiny hands for just a little while, but our hearts forever.

-If I had known how wonderful it would be to have grandchildren, I'd have had them first.

-My grandkids believe I'm the oldest thing in the world. And after two or three hours with them, I believe it, too.

-If becoming a grandmother was only a matter of choice, I should advise every one of you straight away to become one. There is no fun for old people like it.

-It's such a grand thing to be a mother of a mother - that's why the world calls her grandmother.

-Grandchildren are God's way of compensating us for growing old.

-You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother.

-An hour with your grandchildren can make you feel young again. Anything longer than that, and you start to age quickly.

-The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby's grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.

-I wish I had the energy that my grandchildren have - if only for self-defense.

-Grandmother-grandchild relationships are simple. Grandmas are short on criticism and long on love.

-Nobody can do for little children what grandparents do Grandparents sort of sprinkle stardust over the lives of little children.

-Grandmother - a wonderful mother with lots of practice.

-A grandparent is old on the outside but young on the inside.

-One of the most powerful handclasps is that of a new grandbaby around the finger of a grandfather.

-It's amazing how grandparents seem so young once you become one.

-If your baby is 'beautiful and perfect, never cries or fusses, sleeps on schedule and burps on demand, an angel all the time,' you're the grandma.

-Grandparents are similar to a piece of string - handy to have around. and easily wrapped around the fingers of their grandchildren.

-Grandchildren don't make a man feel old; it's the knowledge that he's married to a grandmother.

A Believer's Prayer

Dear God:

When I was broken you were the only one who cared. You healed every wound and gave me strength to embrace the next battle. As my Commander-In-Chief your instructions always uplifted me. You saw all of my faults and still enlisted me in your army. You never gave up on me even when I almost gave up on you. You never promised me an easy life nor one of compromise. You always challenged my integrity and honestly. Not as a test, but to intensify my service for you. You gave me hope when there was none and faith that I could do the task in front of me. You never gave up on me.

There were others who saw my compassion as weakness and my never-say-die attitude as bravado, but you saw the real me and that was the me you inspired. Thing didn't go as I anticipated, but I made it anyway because you never failed me. Others lost faith, others turned aside, but you were always there every step of the way giving me courage and hope when I needed it the most. You never left me.

Life is never an open and shut case. We all face many battlefields and bear the scars of those battles. Some can be visibly seen while others are invisible, but hurt just as deeply. Some will heal, yet others will fester and manifest themselves for years to come. The hurts some people have cannot be healed by the human touch, only by yours. So this is my prayer-Heal those that are broken in ways the world cannot fix and those that need that healing touch who refuse to admit it. Take every scar caused by any means and let it touched in a supernatural way. I know you never promised a simple path, but you did promise us you would walk our path with us. Please remind us of that today.

-Amen-

10 Lessons Learned From 45 Years of Ministry

The following are 10 lessons I’ve learned in 45 years of ministry:

1. The goal is not to win a debate but to redeem the heart.

2. One’s public witness is only as authentic as one’s private integrity.

3. There is no greater source of wisdom than the Bible and no investment that yields greater returns than prayer.

4. Hate is only validated when one responds in like spirit.

5. Jesus should never be presented as less than he claimed to be: the way, the truth and the life.

6. One should live first and foremost so as to please a heavenly audience.

7. One’s legacy is found not in things that matter least but in people who matter most.

8. The generation into which I am born is my calling and it beckons me to be fully engaged.

9. When Jesus paused while dying on the cross to make certain his mother was cared for, he showed how to prioritize family amidst ministry.

10. Sermons can inspire but it is love in action that makes the most profound impact.

As I look to the next generation of ministers I am keenly aware that they will seek to touch a world that is increasingly distracted. Absolutes will be challenged as those who oppose Biblical precepts become more organized and vocal. Their strength will be in presenting not religion but a relationship with Jesus Christ.

To the generation of ministers who have served before me that includes Wade Horton, Ray Hughes, J. Frank Culpepper, I. C. Morris. Jr.  and others less well-known but equally faithful I owe a debt of gratitude.

A Salesman And Monkeys

There was once a hat-salesman who passed by a forest on his way back a sales trip. The weather was very hot and he decided to take a nap under one of the trees, so he left his whole basket of hats by the side of the road. A few hours later, he was awakened by some sounds.

The next thing he realized was that all his hats were gone. Then he heard some monkeys on top of the tree and he looked up. To his surprise, the tree was full of monkeys.

They have taken all his hats!

The hat-seller sits down and tries to think of how he can get the hats down. He started to think and scratched his head.

The next moment, he realized that the monkeys were doing the same thing.

Next, he took off his own hat and fanned himself. The monkeys did exactly the same! An idea struck him - he took his hat and threw it on the ground. And the monkeys did the same too. So, he managed to get all his hats back. Fifty years later, his grandson also became a hat-salesman and had heard this monkey story from his grandfather.

One day, just like his grandfather, he passed by the same forest. Feeling very hot, he took a nap under the same tree and left the hats on the ground Again, when he woke up, he realized that all his hats were gone.

He looked up and found that the monkeys had taken all his hats. Remembering what his grandfather had told him, he started scratching his head and the monkeys followed. He took off his hat and fanned himself and again the monkeys followed. Now, very convinced of his grandfather's idea, he threw his hat on the ground... but to his surprise, the monkeys still held on to all the hats!

Then one monkey climbed down the tree, grabbed the hat on the ground, gave him a slap and said, "You think only you have a grandfather?!"

All About Men (Part 1)

1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
   
3. If you buy your husband a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of your husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.
   
4. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald."
   
5. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
   
6. Men are very confident people. Your husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, wives, stay off the phone in case they call him.
   
7. If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.
   
8. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
   
9. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
   
10. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
    
11. The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.
    
12. Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.
    
13. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.

Original Thinkers

I did a lot of experimental things when I was a Youth Pastor many years ago. One night I gave the youth the beginning of a list of famous sayings and asked them to provide original endings for each one. Here are some examples they submitted many years ago.

1. The grass is always greener when you leave the sprinkler on.
   
2. A rolling stone plays the guitar.
   
3. The grass is always greener when you remember to water it.
   
4. A bird in the hand is a real mess.
   
5. No news is no newspaper.
   
6. It's better to light one candle than to waste electricity.
   
7. It's always darkest just before I open my eyes.
   
8. You have nothing to fear but homework.
   
9. If you can't stand the heat, don't start the fireplace.
   
10. If you can't stand the heat, go swimming.
    
11. Never put off 'til tomorrow what you should have done yesterday.
    
12. A penny saved is nothing in the real world.
    
13. The squeaking wheel gets annoying.
    
14. We have nothing to fear but our principal.
    
15. To err is human. To eat a muskrat is not.
    
16. I think, therefore I get a headache.
    
17. Laugh and the world laughs with you.  Cry, and someone yells,
    "Shut up!"
    
18. Better to light a candle than to light an explosive.
    
19. It's always darkest before 9:30 p.m.
    
20. Early to bed and early to rise is first in the bathroom.
    
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a blister.
    
22. There is nothing new under the bed.
    
23. The grass is always greener when you put manure on it.
    
24. Don't count your chickens -- it takes too long.