You Know You Are a Bad Cook When...

1. You use the smoke alarm as a cooking timer.
   
2. You consider it a culinary success if the pop-tart stays in one piece.
   
3. Your dog goes to the neighbors' to eat.
   
4. Your family buys Alka Seltzer and Kaopectate in bulk.
   
5. When you barbecue, two of your kids hold water guns and the third stands ready by the phone with 911 on speed-dial.
   
6. Your family automatically heads for the dinner table every time they hear a fire truck siren.
   
7. The EPA insists that all your garbage cans be marked with biohazard symbols.
   
8. Your microwave display reads "TILT!"
   
9. Your two best recipes are meatloaf and apple pie, but your dinner guests can't tell which is which.
   
10. Your pie filling bubbles over and eats the enamel off the bottom of the oven.
    
11. You've used three boxes of scouring pads and a bottle of Drano and a crowbar, and that macaroni and cheese still won't let go of the pan.
    
12. Pest control companies keep pestering you for your recipes.
    
13. You make tuna noodle surprise and the surprise is that it glows in the dark and melts the silverware.
    
14. Your family prays AFTER they eat!
    

Happiness Is

When one door of happiness closes another opens. Yet often times we look so long at the closed door that we don't see the one which has been opened for us.

-Happiness is a friend you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've every had.

- Happiness is love. It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives. Giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they'll love you back!

-Happiness does not always expect love in return, but waits for it to grow in other's hearts. If it doesn't, be content it grew in yours. It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone, but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.

-Happiness is not based on looks because they can deceive. Nor on wealth because that can fade away. Go for someone who makes you smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright.  Find the one that makes your heart smile.

-Happiness are moments in life when you miss someone so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real!

-Happiness is ahead for those who cry, those who hurt, those who have searched, and those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of people who have touched their lives. Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss and ends with a tear.

Dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do.

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, enough hope to make you happy. Always put yourself in others' shoes. If you feel that it hurts you, it probably hurts the other person, too. The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.

The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past, you can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches. When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.

A Pastor's Lament

• If I express myself on a subject, I'm trying to run things.
  
• If I'm silent, I'm dumb or have lost interest.
  
• If I'm often at my office (preparing messages or studying), why don't I get out and learn what's going on.
  
• If I'm out when they call, why am I not tending to business, or studying for a message.
  
• If I'm not at home at night, I'm out having a good time.
  
• If I'm home, I'm neglecting important outside contacts and activities.
  
• If I don't agree with persons, I'm bullheaded.
  
• If I do agree, I don't have any ideas of my own.
  
• If I don't do what I'm requested, I'm a very poor pastor or minister.
  
• If I do agree, well, that's what I'm paid for.
  
• If I give someone a short answer, I'm "too big for my britches."
  
• If I attempt to explain the pros and cons of an issue, I'm a know-it-all.
  
• If I'm well dressed, I think I'm a big shot.
  
• If I'm not, I'm a poor representative of my office.
  
• If I'm on the job a short time, I'm inexperienced.
  
• If I've been there a long time, It's time for a change.

(Just a joke, but quite a lot of truth in it!)

Gumpism's For Christians

Life is not like a box of chocolates, but about the choices we make each day.

-We can choose to love or we can choose to be afraid.

-We can choose to help or we can choose to turn away.

-We can choose to forgive or we can choose to hate.

-We can choose to be kind or we can choose to be cruel.
-We can choose to trust or we can choose to be suspicious.

-We can choose to give or we can choose to take.

-We can choose to serve or we can choose to be selfish.

-We can choose to laugh or we can choose to sulk.

-We can choose to cry or we can choose to hide our hearts.

-We can choose to smile or we can choose to stress.

-We can choose to be at peace or we can choose to be at war within ourselves.

-We can choose to live or we can choose to just exist.

-We can choose to believe God loves us or we can choose to live in doubt.

-We can choose to shine our light or we can choose to live in darkness.

-We can choose to make this world more like Heaven or we can choose to make this world more like Hell.

Time To Make A Stand

I am a firm believer in choice. So was Jesus. You chose who you will serve and it's your choice. You have that right.  That' s what America was built on. I am zealous for Christ, but if you choose not to follow Him, I can't and won't make you. So I'm a little frustrated with people who want to force me to accept their behavior and say nothing about it. If you are sensitive skip this part because it might offend you. Sadly, those who want me to accept their lifestyle say I'm a biggot if I say that what they are doing offends me and is wrong. Well, when it comes to protecting my family maybe I am.

These are troubling times when the minority cries bigotry every time someone  speaks against anything that goes contrary to their agenda. Several states have played with the idea that if a woman thinks she's a man and dresses that way she can use a public male restroom and it's okay. The same for a man who dresses and lives as a woman using a public ladies room. The problem with this is that they still have their God-given anatomy that doesn't work the same as people who go into those assigned restrooms.

Now it will work for a man dressed as a woman going in a public ladies restroom, because he can sit. But how is a woman who dresses and lives like a man going to squat on a urinal? Very plain, I know, but a legislation that the LGBT and their politicians seem to be pushing and passing. 

We have already had a man arrested this week out west who pretended to be transgender so he could watch women use the restroom. Our liberal opposition say things like this won't happen on a regular basis, but every time we have opened Pandora's Box something else evil has come out of it.

I for one don't want my mother, daughter-in-law, grandchildren, sister-in-laws, or nieces to ever have to worry about someone of the opposite sex (still with their body parts intact) using the same restroom just because they have on a dress or business suit. You have the right to live the way you want to, but use common decency when it comes to matters like this.

Parents, don't let it happen in your schools. Public officials, please use common moral sense. I'm not a negative Nellie, but the rise in predatory crime will happen, as well as other things that are not decent, in spite of what those who stand for this garbage say.

I am not afraid of gays, lesbians, or transgender people. I just refuse to live or mimic their lifestyle because to me it is ungodly. That's my opinion and I am sticking with it. You have the right to your opinion as I do, but don't holler discrimination every time I don't get my way.  I don't threaten to close down a business because I don't want you to legislate who can use which bathroom. I personally believe it is a few rabble rousers that are trying to make the whole look bad. That's the same with many Christians who try to impose their will and lifestyle on someone who doesn't want to be a Christian. Remember, it's a choice and you must choose who you serve. Just asking for everyone involved to think about moral decency and common compassion when it comes to potty use.

The right to say the Pledge of Allegiance or display Biblical characters is already under attack. Prayer in school has been abolished. History is being changed by scholars in books, divorce is at an all time high, fear is being compounded by ISIS, and our children and grandchildren have to deal with enough stuff in their lives. It is my concussion then they should not have to worry at school, or work, or at a ball game, or any where that somebody could be watching them as a possible target in a public restroom. The Roman Empire fell when common decency took a vacation and the will of a few influenced the majority. Don't let it happen in America!

Marriage

-Marriages are made in heaven, but so are thunder and lightning.

-If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

-Marriage is grand and divorce is at least 100 grand!

-Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

-When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

-Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

-Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

-Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and is a good cook, but the law allows only one wife.

-Every woman wants a man who is handsome, understanding, economical and a considerate lover, but again, the law allows only one husband.

-Man is incomplete until he marries. After that, he is finished.

Are You Ready?

A very zealous soul-winning young preacher came upon a farmer mending a fence along the roadside. Being concerned about the farmer's soul the preacher pulled over and asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good man?"

Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."

"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a Christian?"

With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be lookin for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here."

The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, "Are you lost?"

"Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer.

"Are you prepared for the rapture?  It's coming soon," the frustrated preacher asked.

This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When's it gonna be?"

Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day."

Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, please don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much.  If she hears about it she'll wanna go all three days."