Who Has Used These Words Before???

1. Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
2. Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3AM in the morning and cannot be cast out. 
3. Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
   
4. Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
   
5. Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
   
6. Decaflon (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
   
7. Dopelar effect (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly.
   
8. Extraterrestaurant (n.) An eating place where you feel you've been abducted and experimented upon. Also known as an E-T-ry.
   
9. Grantartica (n.) The cold, isolated place where art companies dwell without funding.
   
10. Hemaglobe (n.) The bloody state of the world.
    
11. Intaxication (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
    
12. Kinstirpation (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.
    
13. Lullabuoy (n.) An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.

The Life Of A Female Through A Mirror

-At 8: Looks at herself and sees herself as Cinderella/Sleeping Beauty.

-At 15: Looks at herself and sees herself as Cinderella/Sleeping Beauty/Cheerleader or sees fat/Ugly. (Mom I can't go to school looking like this!)

-At 20: Looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too/short/too tall, too straight/too curly" but decides she's going anyway.

-At 30: Looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly" but decides she doesn't have time to fix it, so she goes anyway.

-At 40: Looks at herself and sees "too fat/ too thin, too short/to tall too straight/too curly" but says: "At least I'm clean" and goes anyway.

-At 50: Looks at herself and sees "I am" and goes where ever she wants to.

-At 60: Looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who can't even see themselves in the mirror anymore. Goes out and conquers the world.

-At 70: Looks at herself and sees wisdom, laughter and ability, goes out and enjoys life.

-At 80: Doesn't bother to look. Just puts on a purple hat and goes out to have fun with the world.

Things You Learn Growing Up In The South That You Ought Never To Forget....

We live in such a day of compromise where the majority seemingly is forgotten and the will of the few is forced on us all. 

If you grew up in the deep South somethings don't change and we don't compromise on those things. 

It's these fundamentals that make us unique in a lot of ways and are things that WE should never forget. 

So to all the individuals who want us to forget our heritage, this southern boy wants to say:

-That slope-shouldered southern farm body did more work before breakfast than most people do all week at the gym.

-We still have dirt roads. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. I have a four wheel drive because I need it. Drive it or get it out of the way.

-We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we shot Bambi, but we got over it.

-Any references to "home grown" when talking about our women will get you whipped by our women. And they could still win most beauty contests arterward.

-Pull your pants up. You look like an Idiot.

-If that cell phone rings while a bunch of turkeys are making their way toward us, we will shoot it. You just hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

-No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar and a long spoon.

-You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.

-So, you have a sixty thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have a quarter of a million dollar tractors and combines that we use four weeks a year.

-Let's get it straight. We have one stop light in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

-Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.

-Yeah, we eat catfish, shrimp, and turtle stew. Your really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.

-They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstate 26 goes two ways. State Road 25 goes the other two. Pick one and use it accordingly.

-The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.

-So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Understand the concept?

-Yeah, we have plenty of golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the alligators.

-That Officer, be it a sheriff's deputy, city police, or highway patrol that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot-his name is "Sir".

You Know You're a Northerner When…

One of the young men called to preach under my ministry is assuming a pastorate in Ohio. I have several friends and former staff members who serve in that state as well. When you are raised in the south, you most usually know the four seasons and are accustomed to an early spring. So I got to think about how my friends acclimated themselves to the different environment and thought I would share this with those who leave good old South Carolina for the land above the mountains.

You know you're a Northerner when....

1. You know the 4 seasons - winter, still winter, not winter and almost winter.
   
2. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
   
3. Driving in winter is better, because all the potholes get filled with snow.
   
4. You feel warm and toasty at minus 26.
   
5. You find minus 40 a mite chilly.
   
6. The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer.
   
7. Somewhere in the area is a piece of frozen metal with bits of your tongue stuck to it.
   
8. You thought "Grumpy Old Men" was a documentary.
   
9. Men think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightgown with only eight buttons.
   
10. Your dog wears boots too.
    
11. The mayor greets you on the street by your first name.
    
12. If you don't go out for lunch you miss the sunrise and sunset.
    
13. There is a sign outside of McDonalds that says: "Park dog-teams in back".
    
14. If the school district had snow days, no one would ever have to go to school.
    
15. You live in a house that has no front steps, yet the door is one yard above the ground.

Religious Comebacks (Part 2)

1. When you do a good deed, you don't need a receipt, cause heaven sure ain't like the IRS.
2. Birth, life, death. Repeat as necessary.
   
3. Sects, sects, sects. Is that all you monks ever think about?
   
4. The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies, probably because they are generally the same people.
   
5. The lion and the calf shall lie down together. but the calf won't get much sleep.
   
6. On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said: "Let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out!"
   
7. God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
   
8. Confession without repentance is just bragging. 
   
9. Heck is a place for people who don't believe in Gosh.
   
10. Every time someone predicts the date of the end of the world, God pushes the date back a little, just to be funny.
    
11. "I don't question YOUR existence." - God

Religious Comebacks (Part 1)

1. I don't care WHO you are, quit walking on the water while I'm fishing!
2. A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible. 
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
   
4. Why settle for the lesser of two evils?
   
5. Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
   
6. A diagnostic is someone who doesn't know whether there are two gods.
   
7. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
   
8. If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
   
9. I am an agnostic pagan. I doubt the existence of many gods.
   
10. I'm convinced God put me here to accomplish a certain number of things; right now, I'm so far behind I'll never die!
    
11. God likes to see an atheist around. Gives Him something to aim at.
    
12. A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

MidLife Crisis

Several of my former members and friends (or at least I hope they will be after I post this) have recently turned fifty. They don't look it and a favorite saying for the past 25 years has been, "Life begins at 50." Well, I have good news and bad for you. It does begin-to go downhill! These are just a few observations from somebody who has been there.  

-Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.

-Midlife means that the glass is still half-full. Of course, the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it.

-Midlife women no longer have upper arms, they have wingspans. They are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.

-Midlife has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.

-Midlife means that when you go for a mammogram and you realize it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in film.

-Midlife's threshold has been crossed when you're in the grocery store and you hear a Muzak version of "Stairway to Heaven" in the produce department.

-Midlife is when you bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce back. (It's more like Splat!)

-Midlife brings the wisdom that life throws you curves. You're now sitting on your biggest ones.

-Midlife means it's very hard to "get jiggy with it" in midlife-jiggly, yes; jiggy, no.

-Midlife is when your 1990's Body-by-Jake now includes Legs-by-Rand McNally (More red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of the state of Wisconsin).

-Midlife can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think, "For this I have stretch marks?"

-Midlife is when you start to repeat yourself and your chins follow suit.

-Midlife is when you realize that if you were a dog, you'd need a control top flea collar.

-Midlife is when your memory really starts to go. The only thing you still retain is water.

-Midlife makes you become more reflective. You start pondering the "big" questions-like what is life, why am I here, and how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?