Humor Week-Men's Rules

1. The floor is considered an acceptable clothing storage location.
   
2. Never ask me to purchase feminine products. Assume that I will come home with the wrong thing.
   
3. When we are watching your show and I change the channels during a commercial, do not hassle me that the commercials have probably finished, and to change the channel back. I always know when the timing is right. Also, when we are channel surfing do not ask me to go back, there was a good reason why I skipped it.
   
4. If you need help with the laundry, I am more than willing to carry it from the bedroom to the washer. In my mind this is half the chore and I am now free to return to the couch.
   
5. If I mention that a male friend of mine is allowed to do something it is not necessary for you to call his wife/girlfriend to discuss it.
   
6. If you don't like the way I am driving, close your eyes. And I would appreciate it if you would refrain from making that reverse inhaling alarmed noise. I haven't hit anything yet and if I do it will be your fault.
   
7. I go clothes shopping to buy, never to look.
   
8. Just tell me what you want me to wear before I get dressed. And remember that this takes me less than ten minutes no matter what the occasion is. After all, I am getting dressed, not getting ready.
   
9. Don't ask me if I prefer one outfit over another or if a certain accessory should be worn or not. I consider this a no win situation and would rather just wait for you to get dressed while watching TV.
   
10. If you want me to put the seat down when I am finished then you should leave the seat up when you are finished. It's only fair.
    
11. I will cook anything as long as it is on the BBQ.
    
12. Yelling to me across the house sounds exactly like stadium crowd background noise to me. I am not ignoring you.

Humor Week-If You Love Somebody

1. THE ORIGINAL VERSION:
   If you love something,
   Set it free...
   If it comes back, it's yours,
   If it doesn't, it never was yours....
   
2. THE PESSIMIST VERSION:
   If you love somebody,
   Set her free ...
   If she ever comes back, she's yours,
   If she doesn't, well, as expected, she never was.
   
3. THE OPTIMIST VERSION:
   If you love somebody,
   Set her free ...
   Don't worry, she will come back.
   
4. THE SUSPICIOUS VERSION:
   If you love somebody,
   Set her free ...
   If she ever comes back, ask her why.
   
5. THE IMPATIENT VERSION:
   If you love somebody,
   Set her free ...
   If she doesn't comes back within some time limit,
   forget her.
   
6. THE PATIENT VERSION:
   If you love somebody,
   Set her free ...
   If she doesn't come back, continue to wait
   until she comes back ...
   
7. THE PLAYFUL VERSION:
   If you love somebody,
   Set her free ...
   * If she comes back, and if you love her still,
   set her free again, repeat *
   
8. THE LAWYER'S VERSION:
   If you love somebody,
   Set her free...
   Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second
   amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that...
   
9. THE STATISTICIAN'S VERSION::
   If you love somebody,
   Set her free...
   If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high
   If she doesn't, your relationship was improbable anyway.
   
10. THE POSSESSIVE VERSION:
    If you love somebody
    don't ever set her free.
    
11. THE MBA VERSION:
    If you love somebody
    set her free...
    instantaneously...
    and look for others simultaneously.
    
12. THE PSYCHOLOGIST'S VERSION:
    If you love somebody
    set her free...
    If she comes back, her super ego is dominant
    If she doesn't come, back her id is supreme
    If she doesn't go, she must be crazy.
    
13. THE FINANCE EXPERT VERSION:
    If you love somebody
    set her free...
    If she comes back, its time to look for fresh loans.
    If she doesn't, write her off as an asset gone bad.
    
14. THE MARKETING VERSION:
    If you love somebody
    set her free...
    If she comes back, she has brand loyalty
    If she doesn't, reposition the brand in new markets.

Humor Week-10 Signs Your Husband Hates Shopping

Here Are 10 Signs That Your Guy Hates Going Shopping With You.

1. You catch him staring into the store's security cameras, waving his arms in the air and mouthing:   "Help me!"
   
2. In the last year of hitting the mall together, he's gained 20 pounds trying to self-medicate on cheese fries from the food court.
   
3. He sleeps like a baby . . . in Victoria's Secret.
   
4. The store's lounge area has turned into a therapy circle for men, with your Guy acting as moderator.
   
5. You catch him shooting the breeze about baseball and trying to place an eighth-inning bet . . . with a mannequin.
   
6. On trips to the shopping outlets,he routinely grabs the arms of little boys and shouts " run for your life, child, before it's too late"
   
7. When you suggest he bring a magazine to read to pass the time, he lugs an entire year's worth of back issues.
   
8. The saleswoman at the cosmetics counter has complained that your man is a little to fond of "smelling" the nail polish testers.
   
9. He starts shoplifting  in an attempt to "spice things up"
   
10. You hand him a pair of khakis you think might look good on him, and he absentmindedly fashions then into a noose.

Humor Week-Famous Last Words

1. "Are you sure the power is off?"
   
2. "Don't be so superstitious."
   
3. "He's probably just hibernating."
   
4. "I can do that with my eyes closed."
   
5. "I wonder where the mother bear is?"
   
6. "I'll get a world record for this."
   
7. "I'll hold it and you light the fuse."
   
8. "And that one over there, the red flashing
   one, what does that mean?"
   
9. "I'm making a citizen's arrest."
   
10. "It's fireproof."
    
11. "It's strong enough for both of us."
    
12. "I've done this before."
    
13. "I've seen this done on TV."
    
14. "Let it down slowly."
    
15. "Nice doggie."
    
16. "Now watch this..."
    
17. "Pull the pin and count to what?"
    
18. "Rat poison only kills rats."
    
19. "So, you're a cannibal..."
    
20. "Listen, I'm taking a course in chemistry,
    I know what I'm doing."
    
21. "That's odd..."
    
22. "These are the good kind of mushrooms."
    
23. "This doesn't taste right."
    
24. "What does this button do?"
    
25. "Which wire was I supposed to cut?"

Can America Be Saved Again? (Part 2)

America’s future will be determined by the basic decisions that we as a people make concerning the fundamental issue of what constitutes reality, what we recognize as truth. And this is where we come in!

While the Body of Christ can and should be a restrainer of evil, we must recognize that we are not going to change the course of this world. Too often we have forgotten--if we have known at all--what the Bible actually says about the society in which we live:

Galatians 1:4 "[Christ] gave himself for our sins, THAT HE MIGHT DELIVER US FROM THIS PRESENT EVIL WORLD, ACCORDING TO THE WILL OF GOD AND OUR FATHER."
James 4:4 " ...KNOW YE NOT THAT THE FRIENDSHIP OF THE WORLD IS ENMITY WITH GOD? WHOSOEVER THEREFORE WILL BE A FRIEND OF THE WORLD IS THE ENEMY OF GOD."
I John 5:19 " ...THE WHOLE WORLD LIETH IN WICKEDNESS."

Ephesians 2:2 "...in time past ye walked according to the course of this world, according to the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that now worketh in the children of disobedience."

1 Corinthians 2:12 "Now we have received, not the spirit of the world, but the spirit which is of God..." 
Galatians 6:14 "But God forbid that I should glory, save in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, by whom THE WORLD IS CRUCIFIED UNTO ME, AND I UNTO THE WORLD."

The Body of Christ is not here to reform the world system, solve the problems facing society, inaugurate social justice, etc. While true believers can and should have a powerful impact for good wherever they are, we are not going to improve the world system about us. In fact, part of our task is to testify to the fact that the world is not going to be made acceptable to God but rather as the age progresses will grow worse, morally and spiritually, until Christ comes to put down man’s rebellion and establish His reign.

The Church is here to save men out of this world system, to deliver men from "the present evil world." This is the way to make our ministry relevant to the realities of our time. We are not here to save the wreck man has made of society. We are here to save perishing souls from the wreck doomed to destruction.

Tragically, when needed most the Church has become totally irrelevant and ineffectual in the culture of our day as it flounders in confusion. Seemingly aware of its impotence, movements abound to seek social and political power in order to gain attention to causes dear it. Yet for all the effort in everything from political action to new, contemporary methodologies, the world about us rushes forward largely untouched by the truth deposited in our care.

Why is this? What is the problem? Answers abound: lack of prayer, absence of real separated living, indifference to the lost and the task of world evangelism, disregard of the felt needs of those about us, etc. But wait: These are really the symptoms, the results. What is the core cause? It isn’t really that difficult to identify.

Departure from God’s message and program for our day as revealed through the epistles of Paul--this is the real root of the trouble. My friend, just as it was departure from Moses’ law that constantly got Israel into trouble, with the Church it has been departure from Pauline truth. Just as surely as the dispensation of the law was committed to Moses, so surely was the dispensation of grace committed to Paul (Ephesians 3:1-9).

Only when the Church returns to God's program for today will it be able to fulfill its true role as "the pillar and ground of the truth" (I Timothy 3:15). This is the true path to the revival so desparately needed and the only avenue that can lead to another genuine spiritual awakening for our nation.

Will America be saved? We do not know. Can America be saved? YES! But not without a basic change in course.

America does indeed stand at the crossroads. Decisions made during the next few years will set the course for our nation's future well into the 21st century. A spiritually healthy, vibrant Church has a vital part to play. This is where those of us who rejoice in the rightly divided Word fit in, for only by recognizing God’s program for today will the Church be up to the task.

The Body of Christ, of course, belongs to the Lord and in the wider sense is His responsibility. Each of us, however, has a part to play in its functioning. It is true that there is much we cannot do, but the fact remains that there is much we can and should be doing.

The greatest single thing you and I as believers can do for our generation, for our nation, is to have Christ live through us in our own everyday lives. As we study God's Word and learn sound doctrine, as we testify of Christ and live in obedience to Him, the Word takes root in our hearts and produces genuine spiritual growth.

When Christ lives through us personally, our families will be impacted; as He lives through our families, our communities will be impacted; as He lives in our communities, our state, nation and world will be touched by truth.

And it is the understanding of the message of God’s grace to us in Christ that will motivate and empower us in reaching out in every possible way to every possible person with the good news we have to proclaim. For the lost we have unconditional love and forgiveness in Christ to freely offer. For believers ensnared in religious bondage we have the freedom and purpose of "Christ in you the hope of glory." For all those bound by sin's fetters we have deliverance and victory in Christ. For those whose hearts desire to serve the Lord we have the Word of His grace which is able to produce the godly edification that results in a maximum capacity for service.

We have an unprecedented opportunity to be engaged in the real work of the minsitry--to expose and win people to Christ, build them in the faith, train them to minister effectively and then send them to repeat the cycle of spiritual reproduction with others.

As you walk by faith in obedience to God’s Word to us, as you live godly in Christ Jesus in the details of your daily life, God is active in your world! May the love of Christ constrain us all to so live that others may know the truth as it is in Jesus Christ. This is what our generation, our nation, our world needs most!

Can America Be Saved Again? (Part 1)

Proverbs 14:34, "Righteousness exalts a nation, but sin is a reproach to any people."

The reproach (disgrace and shame) openly being manifested in America today is indicative of the fact that we are quickly becoming a people without God. Frankly, what this means is that the continued existence of our country is at stake. It may be that God usually judges individuals at the end of time, but the Bible clearly teaches that He judges nations in time. In Romans 1, the apostle Paul gives the four step decline in the history of a people that forgets God:

(1) A nation rejects God.

(2) It turns to false religion.

(3) It becomes bogged down in immorality and violence.

(4) God then judges it.

“Oh, that thou wouldest rend the heavens, that thou wouldest come down, that the mountains might flow down at thy presence” (Isa. 64:1, KJV).

Despite the downward spiral in the spiritual condition of our nation, there is good reason for Christians to hope that God may grant a sovereign, widespread revival of grace and righteousness in our land. After all, God is still in absolute control of the affairs of this world. Time after time throughout history, usually when circumstances have been the darkest, God has burst upon the scene and caused gospel light to shine in gross darkness. Then multitudes are suddenly turned from the kingdom of Satan to the kingdom of God’s dear Son, and nations are born in a day.

However, if hope for a national revival is to be realized, we must face the fact that America is not too young to be destroyed. On the contrary, she could be too wicked to be spared without a divine invasion from heaven. Given an honest assessment of the spiritual condition of America, on what basis can the church genuinely hope for national revival?

God Is Still Gracious

One reason for hope is that God is still a gracious and merciful God. Where sin abounds, grace can still much more abound. Nothing of itself--national sin and scandal, political corruption, abortion, liberalism or lukewarmness in the church, compromise, prayerlessness, increasing pluralism, or doctrinal laxity--nothing can stand when God chooses to act in answer to the prayers of His people.

In Isaiah 63:15, the prophet is pleads for God’s mercy when he prays, “Look down from heaven, and behold from the habitation of thy holiness and thy glory: where is thy zeal and thy strength, the sounding of thy bowels and of thy mercies . . . are they restrained?” Clearly, mercy in this case was ill-deserved and unearned. Yet every revival is the result of God’s mercy and grace, not the result of the perfect obedience of God’s people.

The fact that revival is based on God’s sovereignty and merciful kindness does not make Him any less holy or righteous. God is perfectly balanced in all His attributes. Nevertheless, He particularly loves to show mercy.

In Exodus 33, Moses cried out for God to reveal His glory. God responded by saying, “I will make all my goodness pass before thee . . . ;and will be gracious to whom I will be gracious, and will show mercy on whom I will show mercy” (v. 19). In the next chapter, God reiterates His merciful character, “The Lord, the Lord God, merciful and gracious, longsuffering, and abundant in goodness and truth”(34:6). God does not delight in the death of the wicked; it is His judgment, not His grace, that is called His “strange work” (Isa. 28:21).

God’s grace has always been glorified by the powerful dispensing of saving power. It was grace that Jonah resisted when God purposed to save the entire city of Nineveh. Jonah hated the idea that God would have mercy on the enemies of Israel. Knowing the gracious character of God, Jonah suspected that God was sending him to the pagan Ninevites to do what he believed was a wasteful and wrong thing--to show grace to a group of people other than Israel. Not being able to stomach the broadness of God’s love, Jonah fled to Tarshish because he did not want Jehovah to have mercy on anyone except the Jews.

Think of all that Jonah experienced and saw of divine grace in less than a week’s time! He resisted all the way into the whale’s belly, and he tasted undeserved deliverance himself when the whale became God’s means of grace in his own life. He then preached God’s message begrudgingly to Nineveh and saw God save the whole city through one simple sermon. It is almost unbelievable that it is said of Jonah, “But it displeased Jonah exceedingly, and he was very angry” (Jonah 4:1).

Jonah knew Nineveh deserved to be judged, and that is what he wanted. His sense of justice demanded that Nineveh not be given mercy. Yet God explained His actions to Jonah in the aftermath of Nineveh’s repentance in terms of His merciful character: “Should not I spare Nineveh, that great city, wherein are more than sixscore thousand persons that cannot discern between their right hand and their left hand?” (Jonah 4:11). The fact is the only thing either Nineveh or Jonah deserved was judgment, but the only thing God gave to both was His

amazing grace.

It is important for us to remember that human affairs are never beyond hope until God brings final and irreversible judgment. Until that time, there is always hope. History proves that God has often set the stage with human helplessness, allowing circumstances to become so bad that the only solution is divine deliverance. Then He has moved with sudden and irresistible power.

Why does God send revival where and when it is most undeserved? The answer is simply because He is gracious, and, because He receives glory by pouring mercy out on the wicked. If God had not been “wastefully” and “outrageously” gracious to each of us, where would we be?

Unmovable

1 Corinthians 15:58 "Therefore, my beloved brethren, be ye steadfast, unmovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, forasmuch as ye know that your labor is not in vain in the Lord."

A steadfast an unmovable spirit is quite hard to create in the natural because in correct terminology a spirit is not tangible. As an analogy to help you understand a mountain would be considered steadfast an unmovable because it is tangible-physically seen, can be touched, and is incapable of being pushed over.

-You can inflict geographical changes quickly in a mountain by the use of explosives, but you cannot physically lift it up by your own strength or power.

-You can flatten a mountain by the usage of even more powerful forces, but you cannot push it forward or move it by your own strength.

-You can transform the appearance of a mountain instantly by those explosives or slowly by natural means such as erosion, but no matter what changes you will remember seeing it as a mountain.

Paul uses this passage (which embraces four themes) to encourage believers at Corinth and today that we should embrace these four things knowing that the promise of eternity is assured for the believer through the power of the resurrection.

These four things are:

-To be steadfast.

-To be Unmovable.

-Always abounding in the work of the Lord.

-The knowledge that your labors are not in vain.

(1) Supernatural strength gives you the ability to remain steadfast when everything within you says to give up.

We must be absolutely convinced that God will do what he says he will do. He will never leave us or forsake us, but he will stay by our side. When all the trials of life are over, we must believe that the rewards that await us are far greater than the trials we bore.

Ezekiel 18:31 "Cast away from you all your transgressions, whereby ye have transgressed; and make you a new heart and a new spirit: for why will ye die, O house of Israel?"

Colossians 3:8-10 "But now ye also put off all these; anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy communication out of your mouth. Lie not one to another, seeing that ye have put off the old man with his deeds; And have put on the new man, which is renewed in knowledge after the image of him that created him..."

(2) Unswerving character gives you the desire to become an unmovable object to the attacks and confrontations of the enemy.

We must anchor our souls in the Rock, Jesus Christ and never look back. This world has nothing to offer that can compare with the wondrous blessings of God.

Hebrews 6:18-20 The Message "We who have run for our very lives to God have every reason to grab the promised hope with both hands and never let go. It's an unbreakable spiritual lifeline, reaching past all appearances right to the very presence of God where Jesus, running on ahead of us, has taken up his permanent post as high priest for us, in the order of Melchizedek."

(3) Evangelistic energy and empowered passion gives you the grace, mercy, and courage to keep on doing what's right even when the multitudes tell you to give up or give in.

2 Peter 1:8, 9 "For if these things be in you, and abound, they make you that ye shall neither be barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But he that lacketh these things is blind, and cannot see afar off, and hath forgotten that he was purged from his old sins."

Let’s talk about that word abounding for a moment. It is the Greek word per-is-syoo’-o which come from the word per-is-sos’ which means:
1. over and above, more than is necessary,
2. exceeding abundantly, supremely
3. something further, much more than all,
4. superior, extraordinary, surpassing, uncommon

When we do the Lords work, which we all must do, Paul encourages us to go over and above, to do more than is necessary, to do much more then all. Just one glimpse of the glory of Heaven will make the trials and tests of this life fade into nothingness. Just one touch of the Master’s hand and it will be worth it all.

(4) Defying all odds against reaching the vision God has given you to reach.We must remember that this world is not our home and that this is only a temporary home at best. It will soon be destroyed by fire. The only thing that we stand upon is the Word of God.

Hebrews 3:13-14, "But exhort one another daily, while it is called Today; lest any of you be hardened through the deceitfulness of sin. For we are made partakers of Christ, if we hold the beginning of our confidence steadfast unto the end…"

I said these words as a message of exhortation to each of you.

-Take hold of the Word of God, your sure guide.

-Hold on to Jesus, your sure foundation.

-Don’t allow the tests and trials of life to draw you off course.

-Don’t allow the deceitfulness of sin to make you doubt God’s power to deliver you and bring you through victoriously.

We are the heirs of salvation! We are heirs and joint heirs with Jesus Christ! If we will be steadfast and unmovable in our faith in Christ, the reward of Heaven awaits and it won’t be long until we see Jesus face to face.