Surviving Bad Attitudes-Chapter 5-The Root Of Bitterness

I cannot leave the It's Mine And You Can't Have It Attitude alone just yet because it that spirit of jealousy that causes the root of bitterness to grow. I have known wonderful, godly people who have allowed jealousy and envy to make them some of the most bitter folks in the world. And believe me when people get bitter at a pastor, a lay leader, a family member, or something that has happen to them you will know it.

James 3:16 says, "For where envying (jealousy) and strife is, there is confusion and every evil work."

Bitterness is a root, thereby making it harder to identify and expose than many surface issues, but none the less it's a deadly poison that needs to be released. It is a means for defilement and countless sickness and diseases are a result of bitterness.

I have to completely honest here. I have had to deal with bitterness in my own heart on several occasions. I try to be a spiritual man and live what I preach, but I am a human being. I have been attacked verbally, lied about, accused falsely, and sometimes even misunderstood to the point that bitterness does try to put its roots into my life. Even recently I have had to deal with some feelings of bitterness that I have never dealt with before and put them under the blood.

The sad part about the roots of bitterness is that you can usually justify them. You feel used, misunderstood, attacked, criticized, and just plain abandoned sometimes. You spend hour after hour helping people only to have them let you down or turn against you over something stupid and it makes you bitter. Down deep you know that you did everything possible to help them, but they still turn on you like a pack of wild dogs. It's enough to make even the strongest believer lose faith.

That's where James 3:17 comes into play. James said, "But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, and easy to be intreated, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy." The Message Bible says it like this, "Real wisdom, God's wisdom, begins with a holy life and is characterized by getting along with others. It is gentle and reasonable, overflowing with mercy and blessings, not hot one day and cold the next, not two-faced."

This verse gives us the keys to overcoming bitterness. Can I use the Message Bible to make it very plain and practical?

(1) I need God's Wisdom. God can give me the knowledge that there is bitterness somewhere within me trying to take root and give me the strength and power to overcome it.

(2) God's wisdom is unveiled through holy living. I can't know God's will or plan for anything unless I live holy before Him. God has a plan to keep bitterness from taking root in my life and if I let Him show me He will help me know how to deal with it.

(3) I've got to do my best to get along with others. God will judge me on how I treat others not necessarily on how they treat me. I have to answer to God for myself. If I do right, God will justify me and whatever I need to be justified. I cannot afford to let roots of bitterness come between me and what God wants to do in my life.

(4) I have to be a Christian in all areas of my life. A Christian is gentle, reasonable, and overflowing with mercy and blessings. Too many people are Christians in name only and not in lifestyle. To keep bitterness away from me I must allow the Holy Spirit to be in authority in my life. I must surrender everything to Him and be what I should be to keep the roots of bitterness at bay.

(5) Lastly, I must have a standard and stick to it. To many people change with the wind. They follow after every whim of doctrine until they can find something to justify their behavior good or bad. All God wants is for us to be true to Him and true to His Word. All the world is looking for is someone who is not wishy-washy but upholds the truth and what they believe.

Read this passage: Hebrews 12:15, "Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled."

If there is a root of bitterness, it needs to be cut off at the root and removed from one's soul. We need to make a choice to release all hurt and bottled up feelings inside our systems, and repent for holding that poison in our hearts. Turn from those feelings and forsake them, and allow the Lord's love to minister to your soul!

Dealing With Bad Attitudes-Chapter 4 (cont)-It's Mine And You Can't Have It

Jealousy is cruel as the grave in so many situations especially:

-When it involves family disagreements or childhood bitterness that was never dealt with or let go.

-When it involves positions in churches of leadership, presentation, or participation.

-When it involves personal demons that continually haunt and attack you over injustices done to you in the past.

Sibling rivalry can end in a very horrible fashion. I conducted a funeral one time and the Funeral Director came to me and said, "Pastor, we may have a problem." He went on to tell me about the arguments and disagreements that had already taken place when trying to plan the service between the brother and sister involved. In fact it almost came to blows in his office. I simply talked with parties involved and told them that any outburst during the service would not be tolerated and went so far as to tell them that the police escort would be on standby to intervene if there was. There were some evil looks and a few insults, but thankfully no one came to blows.

While that service was at the funeral home I had one that I conducted at the church where I was warned that a certain member of the family might try to take over the service because of hatred they had toward the deceased. I prayed that God would stop any such nonsense and had the Funeral Director and his staff on standby to stop anything that got out of order. Well, she tried a couple of times to disrupt, but God stopped her each time. Finally, she got up and left during the middle of the service.

Think about this-what good does it do to have a It's Mine And You Can't Have It attitude when somebody dies? Are you going to follow them to heaven or hell and continue to stew over your situation with them? Or will you let it go and just put it under the blood? You, and you alone have to make that choice.

Dealing With Bad Attitudes-Chapter 4-It's Mine And You Can't Have It

Song of Solomon 8:6 "Set me as a seal upon thine heart, as a seal upon thine arm: for love is strong as death; jealousy is cruel as the grave: the coals thereof are coals of fire, which hath a most vehement flame."

Jealousy is a secondary emotion that often refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that the person values, particularly in reference to a human connection. Jealousy often consists of a combination of shows emotions such as anger, sadness, resentment and disgust toward other people or their relationships with people.

I believe that jealousy represents one of the worst bad attitudes that we in the ministry have to deal within the church. It can be over something as simple as a seat in the church or over something tragic like a family heirloom fought over by siblings that don't like each other.

When people get jealous they do crazy things. One of the things is that they push their personal agendas first and foremost seeking recognition and notoriety. If they don't receive it then they usually release as much venom as they can to get their way or to seek vengeance on the one that's stopping them.

I call it the "It's Mine And You Can't Have It" mentality. They must always be first, they must always get in the last word, and they must always have the recognition whether they deserve it or not. It is this bad attitude that drives a pastor crazy. Poll any group of pastors and this will be one attitude that comes  out at the top of the list. And it's all driven by jealousy.

I've had people get in fights at funerals over simple things as a belt buckle. I've seen some hurt other people because they sat in their seat on a pew. I've seen people who have had no talent whatsoever want to do something just to be recognized or to hear their name called out from the pulpit just so they can lord it over someone else.

No wonder we pastors many times are on the verge of keeping our sanity. It's enough to drive a sane man crazy at times. (Continued tomorrow)

Surviving Bad Attitudes-Chapter 3-Staying Sweet In A Bitter World (Part 2)

Here's what the Bible tells us about bitterness:

Hebrews 12:15 says, "Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled..."

Isaiah 5:10 "Woe unto them that call evil good, and good evil; that put darkness for light, and light for darkness; that put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter!"

Ephesians 4:31 "Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice..."

Bitterness can easily overtake you if you don't put up a strong defense against it. So what can you do to stay sweet when you are attacked by someone with a bad attitude?

(1) Maintain your integrity. Don't stoop to their level. Yes, you may have to defend yourself and yes, you may feel like a sinking ship, but maintain the course of integrity. God will vindicate you if not in this life in the world to come. Being falsely accused or verbally attack does hurt as much as sticks and stones, but getting in a shouting match doesn't help either. Think about all that Jesus endured and yet kept his integrity. Try to do the same.

(2) Don't play dead. What do I mean by that statement? Don't allow yourself to become somebody's doormat. Turning the other cheek doesn't mean that you don't deserve respect or that you have to take junk. When Christ saved you He made you a King's Kid. You are a joint heir with Him and a part of His family. If somebody continues a tirade against you ask God to help to stop it with physical violence. Ask God to reveal the truth. Speak the name of Jesus and believe that He will lock the jaws of the lion (the devil) and put an end to the attack.

(3) Walk away. People with bad attitudes want to argue, fuss, and fight. You give them an inch and they will take 10 miles. The best thing you can do is just walk away. Don't give them an audience if all they want to do is fuss or complain. Some will take that as an incentive to increase their attacks, but others will see through them and you will be vindicated. Just walk away and let them make a fool out of themselves. Don't get infected by their attitude.

Have I been a victim to bitterness? Yes, I have. It's not an easy place to get out of once you go there. My saving grace was a loving God who came to me before I was consumed with it and set me free. If you let Him He can do the same for you.

Surviving Bad Attitudes-Chapter 3-Staying Sweet In A Bitter World

Before we go any farther down this journey of surviving bad attitudes I need to clarify some things:
(1) I am not perfect. There have been some situations where I let bad attitudes toward me affect my attitude in general. I wish I could say that had never happened, but I would be lying if I did. Even today I try to avoid confrontations with people that have bad attitudes because I know the end result is usually not pleasant.

(2) I have not always made the right or even the best decisions. Again my imperfections show me that sometimes I could have dealt with situations just a little differently and maybe the outcome would have been better. However, most of the decisions I have made in dealing with people's bad attitudes have almost always ended with someone getting hurt, and that's usually been me.

(3) I don't have the right answers for every situation. Many times people use the church setting as a place to express their frustrations with life in general more than about what's right or wrong. When you're a pastor you are the one that usually takes the blunt of the attack good and/or bad. Again I say that it's no fun dealing with frustrated people, especially those that always show a bad attitude.

This is what we deal with on a daily basis. Somebody gets mad at something that was said by another person so we hear about it. Somebody (usually under conviction) doesn't like what you say from the pulpit and turns it into a weapon against you. Somebody (who in most cases wasn't in church) is told something was said from the pulpit and then develops a bad attitude over. Let's face it, some day's you just can't win!

That's why it's hard to stay sweet in a bitter world. People are frustrated at their lack of income and job security. They are frustrated at their fairy tale lives not coming to pass as they dreamed. They are frustrated with their relationships, children, job, and life in general. Because of these things they are looking for someone to attack and the pastor just happens to be the logical source.

Why the pastor? Well, he's supposed to be the guy that doesn't retaliate. He's the guy that we pay to dump on. He's the reason for my frustration. He's the man that's supposed to do something about this mess I've gotten myself into and doesn't seem to care. No matter what he does it's his fault I'm in the mess that I'm in. Does any of this sound familiar?

I could go on and on, but the bottom line is the title of this chapter. How do I stay sweet in a bitter world? I could give you a bunch of patented answers, but I want to step out of the box just a little because I have found that patented answers don't always work. So here goes:

(1) You have to learn that being a Christian or a pastor doesn't mean that you roll over and play dead.
Too many people expect us to just take garbage over and over because if we don't they will take their tithe money and leave. Or they will try to ruin us in the community or within the church if we don't let their bad attitudes rule us. I don't believe God intended for us to be that way. I believe that God wants us to do everything that we possibly can to make things right, but if we can't we still have to take a stand according to Ephesians 6.

Case in point: I had a member who had caused trouble for previous pastors and been dealt with by the church. After assuming the pastorate of the church, he came back into the fold after an extended absence of several years. He came to the altar, repented, and was well liked among the congregation. I really thought that he had changed and so did others.

He came in to my office and talked with me one day, telling me about his bad attitude in the past. He simply told me that if I ever felt he was hurting me or the church to tell him and he would move on without causing the problems like he had done before. He admitted to me that he had a problem with his attitude sometimes and often needed adjustment.

A few months went by and things were going good and then the bad attitude started flaring up. At first it was over simple things, then it begin to escalate to larger things. I called him into the office the first time and he apologized and did good for a little while longer. The second time he was more in a huff, but his own lies caught up with him and put him in a very vulnerable position so he had to accept discipline. The last time I just had to take a stand and instead of repenting or apologizing he just dropped out of church completely.

The sad part was I had learned to love him as a brother in Christ. We were great friends, yet I could not allow his bad attitude to affect my congregation any longer. It hurt me to have to take a stand, but I did so because to do anything less would have been a compromise to God's Word and to my integrity.

Did it cost me? Yes, both financially and emotionally, because I had to deal with the aftermath of his dismissal. It's in those times you have to learn to stay sweet and not grow bitter. Believe me again when I say that's easier said than done.
(Chapter 3 continued tomorrow)

Surviving Bad Attitudes-Chapter 2-It's All About Me!

When you have been pastoring as long as I have things do affect you in more ways than one. I don't like to use the word fearful, so how about gun-shy. There's always one person in every crowd that you just don't want to be around because they are constantly critical or are looking for something to find fault with or about. You just get weary being around these people because they can see nothing good in anybody or anything. So you get gun-shy in their presence-you just want to walk the other way and avoid them.

I've ministered to many people with this kind of attitude problem, but one in particular stands out in my mind. She appeared to be so humble and spiritual and could talk the religious talk, but her actions were only focused on what she wanted or what she thought. If it wasn't something that was going to benefit her, then she was against it.

We had a precious widow lady in our church who through a sickness was in need of some special care. She had been an officer of our church for many years and was loved and respected by all for her dedicated service to the congregation. My wife thought it would be appropriate to assist her through our Women's Ministry with meals during her time of recovery. Everyone thought it was a good idea and pledged their support-everyone except It's All About Me. While I was out visiting she called my wife and raked her over the coals for even suggesting that the WM's do something like that. She complained we were going to set a double-standard if we did it for this widow and need and not for every sick person in the church. On and on she rambled and when I came in the pasrsonage my wife was in tears trying to get off the phone with her.

Finally she hung up and my wife tearfully told the raking out that she had received just for wanting to do something good for someone in need. I immediately got back in the car and drove to this ladies home. When she greeted me at the door she immediately jumped on me with the same stuff she did my wife. I listened for about 5 minutes and I finally said, "That's enough!" I quoted scripture to her, sharing what the Word of God said about caring for the other and stressing that each situation is unique and that when there is a need the church family is supposed to try and help. But no matter what I said, she refused to accept it. Basically she told me that when she was sick nobody did anything special for her from the church and she thought that it wasn't fair. My reply was truthful and forthright: "I wasn't your pastor then. I cannot answer for the man that was there before me. All that I can do is be responsible for the decisions that I make."

I knew I had made an enemy from that point forward. That was not my intention, nor desire, but because of her bad attitude and her experience she didn't want anyone else to be helped. I continued to pastor her and minister to her even though I knew secretly she was trying to do things to attack me behind the scenes. Yet because of her attitude and her thinking she had very little if any influence on people she was around.

Here's the thing we need to keep in mind when dealing with people like It's All About Me:
-Love them as a brother or a sister in Christ, but do not give them audience or allow them to influence you. The best thing that you can do is to just inform they are entitled to their opinion and that you love them, but that you don't have time to listen to their complaints, criticisms, and gripes.
If more people would do that those kind of people would either get right with God or just plain be quiet.

-Understand what the scriptures have to say about compassion and caring for your neighbor.            John writes in 1 John 3:16-18 "Hereby perceive we the love of God, because he laid down his life for us: and we ought to lay down our lives for the brethren. But whoso hath this world's good, and seeth his brother have need, and shutteth up his bowels of compassion from him, how dwelleth the love of God in him? My little children, let us not love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed and in truth."

It's one thing to say I'm a Christian, but it's another thing to prove. Being a Christian is not like being It's All About Me, but being like Christ.

-Remember who You are representing as a part of the church. Acts 2 tells us several times that the early church took care of one another and made sure that where practical and possible no partiality was showed. Everyone had all things common or basically understood where they stood with each other as brothers and sisters in Christ.

-Accept that there are some situations that present unique challenges. The little widow lady we were ministering to had a very small family and they were all either employed or sickly. They could not always provide the care that she needed during her recovery, nor could they afford to pay someone for 24 hour a day care. All we wanted to do was assist them in making sure she had a hot meal when they were unable to provide it.

Christians should always realize that just because one need has a unique circumstance and requires a little more effort doesn't mean it's special treatment. It just means you have to do a little more to get the same result, which is ministering to your family in Christ as Jesus would have done.

So to all the It's About Me's out there reading this understand-It's not about you, but it's about Him and what He told us to do. The quicker you can accept that, the better off you, your pastor, and the church will be.

Surviving Bad Attitudes-Chapter 1-Avoid Stinking Thinking

What is stinking thinking?

It's a thought process that puts me and mine above everyone else. It's a my way or the highway mentality. It's a case of doing anything and everything to get what you want regardless of what you have to do to get it. In other words, it's an attitude that stinks. To put it mildly stinking thinking just doesn't work in the long run. Somewhere and somehow it will eventually catch up to you.

I pastored a gentlemen (and I'm putting that in Christian terms) that had the worst attitude I've ever, ever seen. It was his way or else. He always wanted attention and knew how to get it. He could turn on tears like a water fall or be as critical as a sharp knife. No matter what I did I could not please him as a pastor. Later, I find out he was this way with other ministers before me. His critical spirit was of the contaminating variety. It affected anybody that was around him in just a short period of time.

Most people tried to ignore him, but a person with a bad attitude is hard to ignore after awhile. I tried my best to make peace with him in every way possible. I did everything within my power to keep others from going after him when he was critical of what we did in service, either in worship or song. He always told everyone he loved my preaching, but he hated praise and worship and made it known to everyone.

Finally after trying for more times than I know how to make things right with him it came to a head. In my last confrontation with him he told me that I was going to have to change the worship or he was going to leave. Alas, we soon parted company.

I failed to mention something very important. His companion was one of the sweetest ladies you would ever pastor. Every pastor should have a member like her once in awhile in their ministry. How she stayed sweet living with that man's bad attitude could only be through the mercies of God. He was not very good to her, and when a deadly sickness begin to slowly but surely take her life, it became more and more evident.

During her last few weeks with us before her home going, I had left the hospital and come back to town to go to the Post Office. While traveling down the road I happened to see this man I'm writing about with a lady in another vehicle besides his own. A few days later, while his wife was in the hospital, I was out visiting again and happened to see that same vehicle parked in his yard. I found out that he eventually married this lady a few years after leaving my church and his wife's death. I do not want to judge, but apparently something was going on even while his wife was dying in the hospital.

I always tried to be nice to him, but I have to admit even after he left the church, I had to keep my cool when I would see him because of smart remarks he would say to me or about me in front of others. I confess sometimes I wanted to deck him, but then I would have been just like him and I refused to do that.

His stinking thinking though finally caught up with him. From what I understand he died a horrible death after suffering for a very long period of time. The only legacy he left behind with most people was about how ugly or bad his attitude was to others. Mention his name to people today that knew him and the first thing they do is roll their eyes and remark, "He had the worst attitude of anybody I knew."

Jesus said to us in Luke 6:45 "A good man out of the good treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is evil: for of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaketh."
Stinking thinking means there is garbage in your attitude. You cannot change the way you think or act unless you change the treasure chest in your heart. Again Jesus said in Matthew 7:12, "Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets."

Christ can help you break the hold of stinking thinking if you will just ask and let Him do so.